Sopranos
Pie-O-My

Episode Report Card
Aaron: C+ | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Wild Horses Actually Can Drag Him Away

Aaron: Aw, come on.
Alan Ball: Howdy, boys. Sorry to barge in, but I'm just wondering what's up with the little dream sequences there? That's my turf, thank you very much.
Mike Binder: Hey! I do dream sequences too, you know.
Robert Wuhl: Me too.
Brian Benben: Yeah, well, I was here first, dammit.
David E. Kelley: Um, hello?!? Acknowledged master of the genre, standing right here!
Everyone Ever Associated With HBO: Get out. Now.

Fade up on Janice "Living La Livia Loca" Soprano's house. She's in the kitchen, using a pair of binoculars to spy on the nearby Baccilieri residence. Silvio has brought over Jojo "The Widow" Palmice, who's carrying a pot of food and sporting a new Lauren-Ambrose-By-Way-Of-Lita-Ford red hairdo. Introductions are made, and Silvio hightails it out of there. All things considered, I guess we should just be happy he didn't send over a few girls from the Bing. Either way, Janice is not pleased with this turn of events.

Adriana, meanwhile, is at the beauty parlor, having some sort of tinfoil woven into her hair to fend off the FBI's listening devices, and also discussing the enlarged post-rehab status of an unnamed celebrity's posterior with her stereotypically gay hairdresser. I notice that she's wearing her diamond bracelet (which seems to switch arms on a regular basis to serve the needs of whatever camera angle they happen to be using), and I also notice that there's a small star tattoo visible on the inside of her wrist. Of course, as anyone who's ever seen an off-set photo of Drea de Matteo knows, her arms are actually covered with tattoos, and she apparently has to endure several hours of make-up each day to cover them for filming. No wonder she wants a raise. Anyway, this scintillating conversation is interrupted by a cell phone call from Mama Adriana, which is turn interrupted by yet another call, this one on the salon's phone. When she discovers that it's Lola The Long-Lost FBI Agent on line two, Adriana quickly hangs up with her mother, but not before stopping to product-place a brand of toothpaste. Hmm. Seven minutes to the first ad. Not exactly a record, but a pretty good score nonetheless. In fact, I've already decided to add Start-to-Product Placement into my equations for determining future episode grades. The only question now is, do I appease my eye for the ironic by product-placing StP as the acronym, or do I indulge my inner twelve year-old and go with the significantly more titter-worthy StPP? You know what? I'll let you decide. Agent Lola informs Adriana that her presence is requested at some restaurant out in the middle of nowhere, and Ade petulantly informs them that she's getting "lights and a wax," so it'll take her a while to arrive.

Back at Bobby's house, Janice has come over to deliver a few illicitly obtained X-Box games for Bobby's kids. My love for my own X-Box prevents me from wondering too hard about whom Janice might be friends with that would possess the kind of technical knowledge needed for that sort of thing, and besides, it's not like she really cares about the kids anyway. In the kitchen, Jojo is using the unconventional tactic of quoting George W. Bush in an attempt to lift Bobby's spirits. Janice, however, is already sharpening her claws in anticipation of a good catfight. With nothing more than a dirty look and a few cracks about Ritalin, she quickly manages to push the Widow Palmice right out the door. Alas, poor Jojo. You never knew what hit you. Once they're alone, Janice immediately begins going through the freezer and disparaging the culinary contributions of various other mob wives. Then she stumbles across a plate of ziti, which Bobby tearfully describes as "[Mrs. Bobby's] last ziti before she died." Aww. There's nothing more morbidly romantic than leftover pasta. Bobby, who in his grief has apparently been raiding Thin Guy's bad sweater closet, sobs even harder as his survivor's guilt pours forth. Janice tries to console him, but to no avail.

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Sopranos

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