Episode Report Card
Aaron: C+ | Grade It Now!
Wild Horses Actually Can Drag Him Away

Oh dear God. Apparently not satisfied with simple product placement, the show is now running full-on infomercials for Body By Jake. Adriana is home alone watching TV, clearly coked to the gills. Christopher comes in, and she jumps up to greet him with a kiss and a hyperactive offer to make him some scrambled eggs. As she cooks, a cigarette dangling precariously from her lips, she watches Christopher take out his gun and hide it in the closet. Then she suggests that they move to California. Yeah, right. That'll happen. Christopher shares my disdain for the idea, pointing out that she's burning the butter. "Let's be honest," she says. "What's our future here? You could end up in jail, or something horrible could happen…someone could have it in for you, you wouldn't know." Christopher gets angrier and angrier through all this, replying, "Fucking negative shit coming out of your mouth. I had that fucking bird watching me when I got made. I'm already under a what-do-you-call-it, possibly. So stop with that." "I worry about you, that's all," whispers Adriana. "I love you so much." "So if you love me, stir my eggs, okay?" he answers. Heh. That's almost, but not quite, the line of the night.

Crazy Horse. Joey Pants and his crew come in, looking for Tony. Thin Guy orders himself a drink; Wide Guy orders "nachos grande and a Diet Coke." Yeah, that'll help. Wide Guy also has a big stain on the front of his shirt, and then he knocks off the comedy trifecta by suggesting to Adriana that she play more Skynyrd. Hee! Back in her office, the boys complain about the smell, which Patsy Peesy identifies as mold. Are we sure he didn't just piss in the corner? Joey is in the process of explaining that mold can't kill you because cheese is made out of mold (yeah, I don't get it either) when Wide Guy tries to sit down at Adriana's desk. Her chair breaks, dumping him onto the floor, and the whole crew (plus everyone watching at home) immediately cracks up laughing.

Junior's house. Which, incidentally, looks a lot nicer on the outside than it does on the inside. Junior pulls on a cardigan, muttering, "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood…and I gotta rot all day in that courtroom." Heh. Bet you never thought you'd see the day this show referenced Mr. Rogers. Then again, I've actually met Fred Rogers (he's an old-time Pittsburgher), and his personality is a lot closer to Uncle Junior's than you might expect. Let's just say I wouldn't want to be his neighbor in real life, okay? Junior sits down to watch the news, and since this is TV, he's just in time to see the report on his trial. The broadcast features a courtroom sketch which depicts Junior as a bug-eyed Mr. Magoo, and he doesn't take it very well. He is, however, relieved to hear from the newly arrived Bobby that the union thing is taken care of. "I'm glad to see you're back in the swing of things," he tells him, as tenderly as Junior knows how. Bobby credits Janice for helping him out, and Junior is weirded out by the thought of Janice doing something nice for anyone. He also IDs the lasagna she made for dinner the other night as being Carmela's, but Bobby refuses to believe that. And I don't see why it matters either way, because it's not like Janice couldn't have gotten the recipe from Carmela and made it herself. I mean, we all know she didn't, but that's still no reason for these two to have a nonsensical conversation just to establish something about Janice's character that we already knew.

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