Sopranos
Sopranos

Episode Report Card
Aaron: A- | 1086 USERS: B
YOU GRADE IT
Pine Barrens

Tony walks nervously into an office (presumably in the bowels of the Kremlin somewhere), and finds Joey Stalin sitting at his desk. Stalin introduces Tony to his daughter, who is apparently doing her homework while Daddy sits and counts his dirty money. So that's the way it is in their family. Stalin sends the girl out, explaining that his dream is that someday she "goes to Harvard in Massachusetts." Which is a good thing, because I've heard the one in Ohio sucks. They bond over their families, and Tony hands over another duffel bag full of cash to be laundered. He also notices the very large pistol on Stalin's desk. "So how's your, uh, friend?" he asks, clearly not knowing Drunk Guy's name any better than I do. "Valery?" replies Stalin, and a cheer was heard throughout the land. Stalin is worried that Valery might have messed up and not paid Silvio, because while they were like brothers in the army, Valery is now "a tragic figure." The alcoholism has cost him his friends and his family, but Stalin feels loyalty to him, because Drunk Guy saved his life in Chechnya. He even almost cries when he talks about it. Tony looks properly chastened as Stalin pledges that he "would do anything for [The Drunk Guy]."

Cut back to the Pine Barrens, with Paulie answering his cell phone once again. Tony explains that he's going to talk fast, and relates that Drunk Guy once killed sixteen Chechens with his bare hands. He was some sort of Russian "Green Beret" commando with the Interior Ministry (read: KGB, or FSB, or whatever they're calling it these days). Tony is emphatic: "This guy cannot come back to tell his story, okay?" That much Paulie did hear. The connection gets broken, and just like in every game of telephone you ever played as a child, the story gets a little twisted when Paulie passes it along to Christopher. "You’re not going to believe this. The guy killed sixteen Czechoslovakians. He was an interior decorator." Chris is more than a little confused by this, saying, "His house looked like shit." Yeah, but I so want that universal remote. I have to hit like seventeen buttons just to turn on the damn VCR.

Sopranos

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