Pine Barrens

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B+ | 1 USERS: A+
Pine Barrens

Columbia's Medical Center. Ooh, maybe Meadow is there to get some of those good drugs Caitlin had a few episodes back. Or not, as a nurse removes a thermometer from her mouth and announces that she has a temperature of a hundred and one. Speaking of Roommate Cait, she shows up just then to ask Meadow if she's okay. The Car Friend explains the situation, but Meadow just can't let go. "It's all my fault. I shouldn't have pressured him like that." Caitlin tries to convince her of the truth, casting a blanket meta-statement about the character as a whole by replying, "I mean he was cute, but he's really boring." "You didn't know him like I do. You don't know what it was like to grow up where we did," sniffs Meadow, and on that I'll give her some points, but it still doesn't explain what anyone would see in Jackie Jr. Except for his trapezius muscles, of course. Car Friend describes Fuckpants as "a drip," but Meadow yells, "No he wasn't. He was great," before rolling over and burying her head in the pillow.

Snow-van. The morning after. Paulie is busy fashioning himself a free shoe out of carpet, while Christopher watches admiringly. "Check out Bruno Magli over here," he says, and that's a joke even an OJ hater can love. They leave the van behind, with Paulie declaring that the directions don’t matter because he's "not stopping until [they] hit cement." In another part of the forest, Bobby cleverly references both the actual local legend and The X-Files episode entitled "The Jersey Devil" when he relates the story of the "strange people" that used to live in these woods -- i.e. the "Jackson Whites, these weird-looking albinos." Meanwhile, Chris and Paulie daydream about hitting Denny's for a Grand Slam breakfast (and again, hang on a sec. I'll be right back. Slurp. Ahhh.). Paulie slips into a snow bank, and his carefully constructed carpet footwear slides off. Since we've already had a number of Survivor references in this week's recap, I'll just point out that he probably should have consulted perky footwear designer Elizabeth Filarski. I tried to consult her for research on this recap, but then most of Seattle Seahawks offensive line threatened to beat the crap out of me unless I stopped calling. I apologized and sent them over to Jason Arnott's house, so that seems to have worked out pretty well. Paulie gets furious and flings the wedge of carpet across the clearing. Then he pulls out his pistol and empties it into the poor rug. Which also makes me wonder just how much ammo these guys were carting when they went to pick up Silvio's money, but that's a nitpick for another day. Across the woods, Tony and Bobby hear the shooting, and immediately start running in that direction. Well, Tony starts running. Bobby very coolly takes the time to fire off a shot of his own, and Paulie and Christopher start frantically waving their arms when they realize help is near. Of course, it's not near enough that it can actually see them, so all the arm waving is sort of pointless. The two teams run towards each other, finally meeting in a shot that almost seems straight out of The Sound of Music. Reunited at last, the crew all heads back to the car.

When they get there, Paulie is pissed to discover that his car is missing. Tony seems to be the only who grasps that it was probably Drunk Guy who stole it, but that may just be because Paulie is too busy whining about his toes. Chris immediately dives into a cooler of sandwiches, and Tony asks for the money they were supposed to have collected. Paulie sadly admits that the cash was in the car as well, and that the whole thing "couldn't be helped." Tony turns to look at Christopher, who thinks for a minute and then backs up Paulie's story. They debate whether or not to go after Valery again (like, hello?! He stole the car!), but Paulie assures Tony that he hit Drunk Guy in the head. Bobby says that it's possible that the guy could have made it out even with a head wound. "You're a captain," says Tony to Paulie. "What do you want to do?" Paulie says they should go home. "All right," replies Tony. "But let's be clear on this right now. If this cocksucker crawls out from under a rock, he's your problem, not mine. You deal with Slava. You take the heat. You pay the price. Capisce?"

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