Pine Barrens

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B+ | 1 USERS: A+
Pine Barrens

Columbia. Meadow calls Little Lord Fuckpants and gets his answering machine. She leaves a short message, and then heads down the hall in her fluffy blue bathrobe (what happened to the kimono she used to have?) and asks to borrow her neighbor's car. Because all college students are willing to lend their precious vehicles to robe-clad, clearly sick classmates.

Gloria's house. She's sitting on the couch, doing a pretty good job of looking pissed off and stood up, when there's a knock at the door. She opens it for Tony and snarks, "If I wanted to be treated like shit, I'd have gotten married." He makes his way inside, apologizes, and suggests that they go out, anywhere she wants. That seems to be Tony's solution every time a girl gets mad at him, although to be fair, he does have a pretty high rate of success with it. He snuggles beside her on the couch, continuing the conciliation, and she finally manages to forgive him.

I guess I'm not the only one bothered by having cigarettes and no lighter, because Chris is now outside the van, exuberantly rubbing two sticks together with a cigarette dangling from his lips. Suddenly, he hears a twig snapping off in the woods, and quickly climbs back into the van. Paulie is in the back, ripping up some carpet and bitching about how all this should have been Silvio's problem. Well, Paulie, when you learn guitar and join a famous rock band, you won't have to put up with this kind of crap either. Paulie complains about Tony treating him like a child. "You have any idea the money I've made for him? Or his father before him? And now all I hear about is cocksucker [Joey Pants]." On that one, I can sympathize with Paulie, because I've felt the same way all season. They huddle together in the front seat under their carpet blanket, and Paulie explains his plan. The van must have been driven in somehow, so he wants Christopher's shoes so that he can walk out for help. Christopher, however, refuses to be left alone. "What, don't you trust me?" asks Paulie, and that's a loaded question if ever I've heard one (and I have -- "What do you know about New Jersey?"). When Chris describes Paulie's plan as stupid, we get some great back and forth:

Paulie: So what's your fucking plan? Eat ketchup packs?
Christopher: We should have stopped at Roy Rogers like I said.
Paulie: Yeah, and I should have fucked Dale Evans when I had the chance, but I didn't.

Heh. Paulie tries to call Tony again, because he's afraid "[they're] gonna die out here." Cut to Tony at Gloria's, and he's got the Moroccan robe on. StR is a surprisingly high 2,311. I guess Buscemi isn't as adept at all the show's nuances as some of the other directors we've had this season. Then again, let's wait until I finish this paragraph before coming to that particular conclusion. Paulie whines about their predicament, and Tony warns him to "take it easy." "I'm through taking it easy," snaps Paulie, "we're fucking starving out here." Paulie begs Tony to come pick them up, and then there's some discussion of their exact location in South Jersey that I don't pay attention to because I'm busy constructing a small pyre upon which I plan to burn Martin Brodeur in effigy. Tony asks to talk to Christopher, who reports that he thinks he might have a concussion. "Hang in there," says Tony, and then Chris asks him to bring some food. "And some fucking shoes, too," shouts Paulie. Back at Gloria's, Tony stands up and starts getting dressed, claiming he's got to go. Gloria freaks out again, yelling and screaming and flinging a whole slab of meat at the back of Tony's head. He stares her down for a moment and then silently walks out, leaving her to trash her own home in anger.

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