Tony and his sisters arrive at the funeral home in an ancient, gated elevator. A friendly, yet vaguely sinister mortician greets them. He pledges to "use all his powers," but Tony says that Livia didn't want a service. Janice finds that hard to accept, and the bickering begins. They argue over whether or not to have a service, and the girls convince Tony to have not only a funeral, but also a wake at his house afterwards. He tells the creepy mortician guy to arrange everything and send him the bill. As they walk out, Janice is gushing about all the things she'll do for the funeral, including a painting featuring "motifs from the Mexican Day of the Dead festival." Tony nods indulgently, until she suggests that everyone share a "remembrance" at the wake. He tells her he doesn't want any of that "California bullshit." I hope the power doesn't go out at his house.
Melfi's office. Silence. Tony asks, "No 'I'm sorry'? No condolences? No 'It's not TV, it's HBO'?" When she doesn't answer, Tony admits that he wanted his mom dead, and was relieved when he heard the news. Melfi quizzes him about his relationship with his mother, and Tony is afraid that he's a bad son. "That's a miserable fucking thing to be, a bad son. They should all fucking die." Gandolfini is rocking this scene. He takes a quiet beat, and then says that he had no reason to be a good son, but he doesn't like to admit it. He defends Livia, and Melfi calls him on it. She explains that grown children often wish that their elderly parents would die. Aww, now I gotta call Mom again. It's not true, Mom. Well, most of the time it isn't. Tony looks hopeful. "So we're done here, right? She's dead."
As if it wasn't bad enough that there aren't even any commercials to rest my aching hand, now we have to endure blatant product placement by a company that I won't name here, just out of spite. Remember this when they try to be cool and mock Survivor later. At least I expected the Doritos and Mountain Dew (by the way, Doritos and Mountain Dew are incredibly refreshing. You should go buy some Doritos and Mountain Dew, like right now. Finish the recap first, though). Anyway, Ray Curto is this season's rat. He offers to wear a wire to the funeral, and the agent actually tells him to pick up some batteries at his local [name withheld]. Way to recoup costs there, HBO.
Cut to Livia's house. Janice is in the basement, tapping on the walls, looking for money. Tony comes in, and she hurriedly sits down before he sees her. He comes down to the basement, and she shows him a picture of Livia that she wants to put on the casket. "Wow. She looks normal," he says. He tries to play-wrestle with Janice, but she isn't having it. Chastened, he sits beside her. "Now this is fucking weird," she says, and proceeds to tell him that none of hers or Barbara's childhood papers or memories are there. Livia did, however, save everything of Tony's, including a book report he wrote in the seventh grade. You know, one of the great joys of working for MBTV is explaining to everyone just what a "recap" really is. After I told them about the exhaustive research and meticulous attention to detail they require, my friends started referring to them as "book reports." Which they sort of are. Except they're about TV. Also, you can't say "fucking weird" in a book report, even when it's about that asshole Robert Frost. Tony looks through the boxes, and comes across his old football varsity letter. Janice, who's been prattling on this whole time, feels slighted by their mother. "I mean everyone agreed, I had extraordinary visual skills."