Sopranos
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Aaron: B+ | Grade It Now!
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These Boobs Were Made For Whacking

Das Sopranohaus. It's movie night for the girls, and Carmela opens the doors to Tony's home theater to find AJ sprawled across one of the chairs. We see a brief, half-second clip of whatever AJ is watching, and it's killing me because I'm almost positive that I've seen it before, but I can't remember where. I hate that. She boots him out, and all the wives file in. The group consists of Carmela, Rosalie Aprile, Adriana, Janice Parvati-Soprano-Baccalieri, Mrs. Little Stevie, and a mystery woman whom only the end credits can identify as Mrs. Patsy Peesy. She doesn't really seem like the sort of woman who'd be into golden showers, so I guess that just goes to show that you can't judge a toilet by its pink satin seat cover. The women have decided to watch the AFI's Top 100 list in ascending order, so tonight's film will be Citizen Kane. Rosalie doesn't like the idea of watching something in black and white, but Carmela insists that a little culture will do them some good. And then she reads aloud from Leonard Maltin's review of the movie, and if ever there were a Lladro of film criticism, it would definitely be good old Lenny. Carmela does, however, have some trouble reading the review, noting that the screenplay was written by "Orson Welles and Herman...something." That's Herman Mankiewicz, for those of you who are too lazy to type "IMDb" into your browsers. And now I'm craving some Manischevitz, but that's a different story. I should also note at this point that the women have elected to get the film on VHS rather than DVD, which I don't buy for a second. Carmela is way too snobby for VHS, and we know for a fact that she owns at least one DVD. In fact, I myself own Citizen Kane on DVD (it was a gift from Sars, no less), so I have no idea why the prop guys couldn't find it. And while we're bitching about glaring continuity errors, I'd also like to mention that we see the women using a completely different remote control than the last time we were in here. And I know that for a fact because a friend of mine recently bought a new universal remote specifically because it was the same one Tony Soprano had. And for the record, that guy's wife also collects Lladros. Anyway, Carmela pops the tape into the VCR, and Adriana hits play on the (wrong) remote. And then the standard FBI warning appears in huge letters on the big screen, and all the women (especially Adriana) squirm uncomfortably for a loooooong moment. Hee hee! That totally makes up for all the mistakes. Heh.

Cut to the end of the film. Everyone gives their opinions as the lights come back on, and they're all perfectly suited to what you'd expect each character to say. Adriana thinks he should have told someone about Rosebud, Mrs. Little Stevie doesn't want to die alone, Carmela thinks Kane was a prick, and Rosalie thought he was conceited and had bizarre sexual fetishes. Well, that last part was only implied, but still, you get the point. Everyone did love the cinematography, though, even if most of them only just heard the word for the first time while reading Leonard Maltin. Mrs. Peesy changes the subject by gossiping about some woman and her breast implants, and that breaks the tension enough for everyone to get a little giggly. Rosalie asks Carmela how she's doing, and Carmela replies that she's met with a bunch of lawyers who think they'll be able to get half of Tony's money. Except, of course, for the fact that it's mostly "in cash" and probably all damp and aromatic now after being left in that duck food bin. All of the women except for Adriana lament the loss of romance in their marriage, Janice going so far as to observe that it's been six months, and "Bobby still hasn't found [her] rosebud." Okay, new rule: Janice isn't allowed to have sex anymore. She and Richie were disgusting, she and Joey were REALLY disgusting, and now I've got to imagine Bobby Baccala down there with a miner's lamp and a compass? Adriana, as the only unmarried woman in the room, chugs her wine and cries a single, solitary tear for her future. But don't worry. That tear will have lots of friends soon enough.

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Sopranos

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