Sopranos
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Aaron: B+ | Grade It Now!
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These Boobs Were Made For Whacking

Cut to Wide Guy, face down on the table, getting a massage from Steve. Heh. "It's like my back is on vacation," he moans. "I had no idea I was so tense," adds Paulie. Hee! We did. Tony shows up at this point, and he's definitely not happy to see his cousin rubbing his hands all over another man. And they certainly do play up the homoeroticism in this scene, what with Buscemi announcing that "there's nothing like being in the joint to teach you how to ease another man's tensions." "Jesus Christ," bitches Tony. "I'm gone for one hour, and all of a sudden it turns into a fucking slumber party." Wow. I would love to be at that party. We could braid Silvio's hair, and make Best Friend Forever pinkie rings, and maybe even prank-call the FBI a few times. Too bad the Little Lord is dead, because he'd be perfect for the old hand-in-a-bucket- of-warm-water trick. "Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed," observes Steve, as he practically mounts Wide Guy and orders him to squeal like a pig. That's the last straw as far as Tony is concerned, and he asks Stevie to join him outside for a private conversation.

Out in the parking lot, Tony immediately starts shouting. "It's none of your fucking business which side of the bed I wake up on," Tony snarls. And it occurs to me that in Tony's mind, he probably took that as a reference to Carmela's not being in the bed anymore. Steve claims that it was just an expression, but Tony gets right in his face and calls him on all the joking and teasing and "boy, are you fat" stuff. "You're crowding me," whispers Buscemi, with just enough menace in his voice to remind us that he did fifteen years in jail for setting car bombs. "And you don't make fun of me," replies Tony. "Got it?" "Got it," answers Steve. And then because he's Tony, he has to go one step too far (and because it's Gandolfini, we can actually see that he knows he's going one step too far, but still can't stop) by saying, "And knock off the massage shit. This is a place of business, not a Jack LaLanne." So it's totally okay to shoot people in there -- just don't give them rubdowns. Steve takes a moment to think about how his relationship with Tony has changed, and then he leans against the wall, looking pissed.

Crazy Horse. Adriana is counting up the cash in the register while the Hoor of Honor watches from across the bar. The Hoor makes another reference to her fur-earning bookkeeping scam, so we'll remember it later, and then Christopher comes over to borrow some change for the cigarette machine, because he's been "sliding this stupid bill in and out of the machine for, like, an hour." "An hour?" asks the Hoor. "I bet you could go longer than that." Classay! "Why do you always talk like a hoor?" asks Christopher. "Because men like it," she replies. Tip for the ladies: she's right. Her and Christopher flirt a little more blatantly this time, and Adriana watches with a dour expression from less than three feet away. No one ever said the guy was smart, right?

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Sopranos

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