Sopranos
Second Opinion

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Answer: Life, the universe, and everything

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mighty Big Airlines Flight 307, non-stop service to Newark International Airport. As we prepare for take-off, please make sure all carry-on items are stowed, and that your seat-backs and mouse pads are in their full upright and locked position. Should this recap experience a sudden loss of humor, nitrous oxide masks will drop from the ceiling to provide additional laughing gas. Those of you reading with small children should be sure to secure your own mask before assisting the child (although…what the hell are you doing letting your kid watch The Sopranos?). In the event of a water landing, you can use your keyboard as a floatation device. For about ten seconds. Also, please note that the Fasten Seat Belt sign is still lit, and that all readers must remain in their seats until the Captain gives the all-clear.

All right, sorry. But I'm writing this recap on the plane as I wing back from a fun-filled few days in Florida for Passover, and I keep accidentally typing whatever the captain announces over the loudspeaker. It's sixty-two degrees and overcast in Baltimore, by the way. Anyway, on with the recap…

We fade up on an anesthesiologist telling Junior to count backwards from ten. He makes it all the way down to nine before passing out, and thus begins the funniest drug-induced hallucination since Homer ate the Quesosakatenango pepper. (Note to Sars's spell-checker: Sorry.) Two FBI agents appear and offer him a deal, authorized by the director himself. Junior can receive a complete cure, with "not a single diseased cell," if he only rats out Tony. Cut to a smiling Junior in a newspaper photo, with the headline, "Soprano wins freedom, indicts nephew. Star witness to marry Angie Dickinson." My parent's crappy VCR (purchased in, I kid you not, 1983) isn't clear enough for me to tell if that's actually Angie in the picture, but she was a babe back in the day, and I don't have a hard time believing Junior has a thing for her. There's a slow fade to him on the gurney, accompanied by an audio montage of the past two seasons, which features Livia heavily. As the doctors operate, the head surgeon takes a call from the lab assuring him that all of the cancerous cells have been removed. "Watch and learn, Miles. Watch and learn," he says, and I sincerely hope that Miles doesn't take that advice to mean that he should learn from Sam McMurray's career choices. Seriously, people. This guy was in C.H.U.D., Stone Cold, The Mod Squad, Lucky Numbers, Baby Geniuses, Dear God, Soccer Dog and Ray's Male Heterosexual Dance Hall. I mean, how's that for a résumé? And I feel bad listing my six weeks as a fry cook at McDonald's when I was fifteen. ["Give the guy a break. He was also in Raising Arizona, one of the best movies ever." -- Sars]

Out in the waiting room, Tony, Bobby Bacala, and a couple of irrelevant elderly persons are waiting anxiously. Doctor Flop comes over and quickly announces that everything went well, and now that he's taken "a tumor the size of your fist" out of Junior's stomach, the cancer should be gone. That sounds a little too good to be true, especially since it's only the first two minutes of the episode, and we've all already seen the promos. As the doctor departs, Tony comes over to say thanks. He mentions that Junior loves the guy, and offers to do him, "you know, a favor," should he ever need one. The Doc barely even listens before departing, and while I have a hard time believing this guy didn't know exactly who Tony was from the start, it's not really clear here.

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Sopranos

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