Sopranos
Sentimental Education

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | 1 USERS: A+
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She Ain't The Cheatin' Kind

Elsewhere, Carmela has come to church for confession. She enters the vestibule, and does the whole "Bless me Father, for I have sinned" bit. Father Tool Time apparently recognizes her voice, because he greets her by name, which I'm told is a great big Catholic no no. ["Indeed, it's totally inappropriate, but we should expect nothing less from him, really." -- Wing Chun] Carmela comes right out and confesses to the sex. Rin Tin Tin is silent while stewing in his own juices. Carmela, meanwhile, is remorseful, but also "walking around on a cloud, like Maria in West Side Story. Then she asks him if he's ever heard of Abelard & Eloise. "I think it's Abelard & HEloise," he corrects, "and from what I remember, it ends badly." She totally doesn't care about that part, though. "Something in me has been reawakened," she gushes, "and even if it never happens again with this man, just knowing that feeling of passion again, I don't know if it's ever going to go away. I'll need it." In other words, Carmela had an orgasm. Woohoo! Intintoola snits that he can't absolve Carmela if she continues to commit this sin, and demands that she show some restraint. Or, failing that, at least throw some lack of restraint in his direction. "So this man takes you to restaurants," gripes Tool. "He fulfills certain physical desires, tells jokes, but will he be there beyond the here and now? When you're too old to walk to the bathroom, will he help you?" And that's relevant to Carmela's horniness how, exactly? ["Plus, as if Tony would help her to the can. For one thing, by the time Carmela's too old to walk to the bathroom, Tony will be long dead of congestive heart failure." -- Wing Chun] Intintoola orders Carmela to perform penance by doing something nice for Tony. The hell? Can he do that? I thought penance was all Hail Marys and Our Fathers and naked altar boys and stuff. Oy. I'm gonna get a lot of email this week.

The massage ghageh. Or rather, the soon-to-be (except not really) massage ghageh. Diet Tony is showing Extra Flabby Tony around his new storefront, which looks like it was still a travel agency until about ten minutes before this scene was filmed, at which point a large tornado must have swept through the premises. Just as a point of protocol, by the way, I'll henceforth be referring to Tony B. as "Steve Buscemi" in scenes that feature both Tonys, because otherwise my brain hurts. Anyway, Tony notes the dog grooming place next door, which he thinks will be convenient if any of the Kims want to pop out for a snack. Steve explains that some Koreans (although not the Kims) really do eat dogs, but then segues into providing a layout of what the new place will look like. He plans a handful of "theme" rooms, including an Asian one for Shiatsu (giving Brenda a perfect spot for the next "Why Can't We Be Friends" ad), and a Danish one for "Rolfing, even though technically it's Swedish." He also reveals that he knows Tony is disappointed in his decision to go straight, to which Tony does not reply. Steve then moves to the front of the space, announcing that he plans to put in an "oasis," which could feature a fountain with koi in it. Happy to have a way to help out, Tony promises to provide the koi. "Really?" asks Stevie B. "Giant carp? How the fuck can you get that?" How the fuck indeed, my friend? What exactly do you think Tony's carp connection is, anyway? He doesn't really strike me as the gefilte fish type, and I think it's certainly safe to say that he won't be getting them from Cop Roc over at Fountains of Wayne. In any event, they're soon interrupted by the arrival of the Kim daughter, who is almost, but not quite, as attractive as the Kim recapper. Tony introduces her to Tony (see what I mean?), and then Chris comes in, cracking yet another "Koreans eat dogs" joke. He changes his tune pretty quickly when he spots the daughter, however. Heh. Lil' Kim tells Buscemi that she met some guy in a club who can hook them up with all the "herbal shit" they need. No, not that kind, you freaks. She means "ginseng, fake rhino, and nerve tea," and she thinks it would be a good idea to sell it up front by the "koi thing." "Koi is taken care of," says Tony, coyly. Lil' Kim turns to leave, and everyone (including the cameraman) stares at her ass as she walks away. To be fair, she does have a pretty nice two-inch radius. "What's she here for?" asks Tony. "Happy endings?" Oh, God. Please no. Steve explains her connection to the Kims, and then Chris asks him to put in a good word, because he's interested in getting "some of that Kung Pao coochie." Insert your own disgusting "peanuts and hot sauce" joke here.

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Sopranos

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