Woke up this morning, birds tweeting, sun is shining, and thought, what a lovely day to buy firearms. Or not.
College madness has begun. Mr. Token Ethnic Representative from Brown University speaks to a classroom of bored students and over-attentive parents, of whom Carmela is the most mesmerized. I have the feeling Carmela wasn't exactly a good girl when she was in high school, but she is certainly making up for it now with her snooty nose in the air. If Mr. Token Ethnic Representative asked the class any questions, I'm certain her hand would shoot up into the air and she'd strain not to utter, "Ooh, ooh, I know, I know!" Meadow, looking very Desperately Seeking Susan with all her bangles, twirls her hair and gives her best impression of a girl not on her way to college but rather the nearest Dairy Queen. Eric Scatino manages to appear eager yet comatose, and Dad (Davey) Scatino looks like he's strung out; he rudely gets up in the middle of Mr. Token Ethnic Representative's speech about getting "academic and extracurricular ducks in a row" to go take a leak. Cut to Tony doing the same. Number one, that is. Ew. I just hit the pause button, and it's stopped on Tony whipping it out. Ew again. Tony and Davey make small urinal talk. Tony says he saw Davey's wife alone and figured him for the "trotters," meaning the racetrack, I suppose. Davey starts mush-mouthing about a customer he couldn't shake who took half an hour to decide between a $20 soccer ball and a $22 soccer ball. Blah blah retail. Davey asks what Tony thinks, assumedly about the college reps. Tony says he thinks the guy from Bowdoin was making some sense. "No, I mean the game tonight," he says, and Tony sticks his bottom lip out as far as it goes in taken-abackness. So do I, since I have no idea what they're talking about so far. Miss Parker's three guesses: sports, hunting, Scrabble? Although men usually make no sense when their Mr. Happys are taking the air.
Artie jauntily enters and asks if they'd "like to be alone" with a dirty-little-man grin. Ha. I just love jokes lifted from The Man Show. Davey says he knew Artie would be lurking around somewhere, from the looks of the refreshment table. Artie says he doesn't know how he always gets roped into catering these things. Tony comes over to the mirror next to Artie, and I notice there's a terrible comb-over incident happening on his head. He offers that Charmaine, the Bucco family pants-wearer, is no fool; one of their sfogliatelle in the right mouth and their daughter can go to any school she wants. Artie groans that so far only the janitor is eating the aforementioned pastry used for bribery. "That's a nice career path for a young lady," Tony says smartly. Yeah, whatever; you're in waste management. Davey laughs as he continues his never-ending pee. Tony says he's going to go eat one of "them belly bombs," which I take it is a joke at Artie's expense, because Artie jibes back, "Have I said fuck you yet?" This exchange makes me get down on my knees and thank God I'm not a proud owner of a Mr. Happy. Just going to the bathroom is socially exhausting. Artie is serving up platters of delicious Italian pastries. I love Krispy Kremes and Rice Krispie bars as much as the next guy, but Italian pastry is the nummiest. Yes, I said nummiest. Maybe it's better because Italians never use the word "crispy" with a "k" to name their desserts. Davey compliments Artie by telling him he's glad he didn't eat dinner; Artie says cattily that it's nice to be appreciated by your friends, shoots daggers at Tony, and stalks off. Tony calls him the "sensitive chef." Do you two want to be alone? Ha ha ha, hee hee hee. It's funny when I say it.