The Happy Wanderer

Episode Report Card
Miss Parker: B- | 33 USERS: B+
Forty-five boxes of ziti

Christopher is inside looking like a short-order cook with a cigarette dangling from his lips, hairy chest hanging out of his shirt, and stirring something akin to scrambled eggs. Tony introduces Davey to Christopher and tells him to give him five boxes of ziti. Not the pasta kind, but the thousand-dollar kind. Tony wishes him luck, and Christopher tells the table there's new blood coming in. They all turn around and are lit all ominously Godfather-like. He's absolutely going to lose everything. Cut to Paulie snoring, all splayed out on the couch. Tony plugs his nose as he goes by, and Paulie snorts and wakes up. Hee. It was a funny noise. Davey's at the table, prattling on about the sporting-goods biz, claiming his present slump is just temporary and he has all these brilliant "ideas" for next year. Someone buy this guy a clue. Paulie decides to lighten the atmosphere, telling Davey to ask Dr. Fried what his specialty is. Johnny Sack chimes in that the answer is hard-ons. Davey is incredulous. "Penile implants," the prick doctor replies. Paulie eggs him on, attempting to pantomime something -- probably very disgusting, knowing Paulie -- but the delicate genius doctor groans that he's heard all the jokes already. Hee. They start a new hand. Silvio is getting testy and dropping crumbs all over the floor. Tony tells Matt to sweep up, especially under Silvio. Oh Tony. You're just asking for Silvio to open up a can of whoop-ass on the poor monkey boy. Silvio is harassing Davey at the moment, and Davey protests that he's just having good luck. Bear in mind that every other word out of Silvio is "fuck" for the next five minutes. His bottom lip is protruding, his brow has so many ripples in it I can't count them all, and his pompadour is messy and quivering with rage. Tony is very amused by this, and begins to giggle to himself in the corner. Silvio gets quibbly with the dealer, saying, "Don't rush me Sunshine, you been rushing me all fuckin' night," to which Johnny Sack quips, "He didn't study this hard at school." There's an exchange of words between the dealer and Johnny; then the prick doctor decides to put a chip in so the dealer controls the game. I have no idea how these things work, but that's what I deduced with my finely tuned little gray cells. I just enjoy the fact that Silvio calls the dealer "Sunshine." Silvio starts in on the doctor, but Matt, the keen intellect that he is, picks this moment to begin sweeping up at Silvio's feet. Silvio flips out, screaming, "I'm losing my balls over here and this fucking moron's playing Hazel?" Hee. I do love Silvio. He's my best friend and I'm inviting him to my roller-skating birthday party. Everyone looks tense, and Matt decides that trying to explain his cheese confiscating actions is the best way to go in this situation. Wrong again, monkey boy! Silvio goes ballistic, asking why can't he just leave it, why does he have to clean it now, and says he wants the cheese to stay there. He loves cheese at his feet. "I stick motherfucking provolone in my socks at night, so they smell like your sister's crotch in the morning. All right? So leave the fucking cocksucking cheese where it is!" Okay, that was crude, but it was also really hilarious and I still love Silvio. He throws a bunch of cheese and food on the floor and tells Matt, "Here. Have a good time." Tony continues to chuckle to himself, as do I. Silvio sits again and tells the doctor to fix a prick. Hee hee again and again. Broken-record Paulie brings up Viagra and tells a really feeble joke about trying to raise the "Titanic" with a crate of it. Lame. Now they're all in the game again, and Davey decides he'll raise the stakes. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I bite my tongue as, lo and behold, Davey wins the hand, to much razzing by Silvio. Tony backs Davey up, telling Silvio his money's good. However, Silvio is wisely not convinced, like me, and knows Davey will not get out when he should. He commands "cheese-fuck," a.k.a. Matt, to get him some food, and grumbles he should have stayed with his goomah tonight. Hee.

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