The Happy Wanderer

Episode Report Card
Miss Parker: B- | 33 USERS: B+
Forty-five boxes of ziti

Cabaret night. Carmela's hair is basically done up in a curly-cue-ish beehive. I'm not entirely joking. She must have used an entire bottle of Aqua Net. It's definitely at the non-movement level. I have the feeling it's the same hairdo she wore on her first date with Tony. Tony buries his face in the flowers he has for Meadow while Carmela sucks in her cheeks and spots Janice and Livia a few rows back. Richie comes over with a much bigger bouquet and asks where Janice is. "Didn't I see those at the wake the other day?" Tony teases him. Carmela tells him where Janice is. It's all fake, fake, fake as Richie and Tony make nice. Simultaneously, Tony looks at Livia with squinty eyes, and the Scatinos look nervously at him. "Just keep thinking Meadow," Carmela offers. Meltdown Meadow backstage, as Eric proceeds to abandon her, and she tries to get him to stay and talk about the Jeep incident. "I thought you were my friend," Eric spits out. Meadow reaches a pitch nearly in the dog-hearing range as she squeals, "I am, I can't stop my dad from selling it!" Eric is beyond talking, and beyond sanity, as he starts to talk smack about Tony. "He's a real low-life fucking asshole," he bellows at her. Meadow continues to shriek and remind him that his dad isn't exactly innocent in this situation. "For your information he gave it to my dad, it's not like my dad stole it." Eric has passed his boiling point, and screams, "You know what, Meadow, fuck you, fuck your gangster father, and fuck this!" ["God, do I love that line." -- Sars] Meadow stands there helpless in her faux geisha-girl outfit complete with chopstick hair pieces; Eric stalks out and slams the stage door after flinging his army fatigue jacket to the ground in defiance. His lips are very big and his eyebrows are very bushy. I don't like him in my face. Like Camryn Manheim said on Boston Public the other night, "You project nicely. There's no need to be in my face. But while you're here, you're not better-looking up close." Hee. That's what Meadow should have said.

Voice over the PA system. A clever young man tells them to not take pictures, videotape, to turn off pagers and cell phones, and to unwrap candy before the performance. My, my. What do they think this is, Broadway? Cut to Livia and Janice, the Scatinos, the Sopranos. It's announced that Meadow is singing "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic instead of her Miss Saigon travesty with Eric. The Scatinos book it out of there. Carmela says, "That's a lucky break, I wonder what happened?" Oh, come on, Carm. Use a brain cell. Güdren starts singing her scary German song, AJ leans back in boredom, and it fades into the Happy Wanderer ditty. "I love to go a wandering, along the mountain trail, and as I go I love to sing, my knapsack on my back." Frightening images of lederhosen-clad lads and dirndl-clad ladies enter my mind, and Miss Parker hopes her dream catcher prevents any German-themed nightmares tonight.

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