The Strong, Silent Type

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B | Grade It Now!
No Woman, No Cry

Dead Dog Duplex. Christopher emerges from his bedroom to find half the cast sitting there waiting for him. For posterity's sake, I'll list everyone for you (from left to right): Elias, Silvio, Paulie, Vinnie Delpino, Furio, Tony, Carmela, Adriana, and Mama Moltisanti are all in attendance. Elias hops up to introduce himself, and Christopher remembers him as the guy who "stole all those pork loins." Sometimes I wonder where they get this stuff. When he learns that it's an intervention, Chris tries to head back into the bedroom, but both Paulie and Tony order him to sit down, so he reluctantly complies. "All we ask is that you listen," says Elias, before cueing Adriana to begin. She pulls some crumpled paper out of a pocket, and begins reading. "Christopher, I love you very much," she starts. "The last few months things have been very bad with us because of you using drugs all the time." Elias insists that she be more specific, so she skips ahead in her prepared statement, and continues with, "When we first started going out, we made love all the time. Now, because of the drugs, you can no longer function as a man." Hee! And I also love the "Get me out of here! Now!" looks on Furio and Vinnie's faces as they stand in the background.

Adriana goes on to mention how Christopher killed Cosette, and that gets Tony angrier than anything short of a baloney sandwich could manage. "You killed little Cosette?" he asks, incredulously. "I oughta suffocate you, you little prick!" Elias warns him about getting emotional, and Tony replies by saying that he knows "what it's like to lose a pet." Heh. But it's still not as funny as Silvio's contribution, which is delivered in a perfectly flat monotone: "When I came in to open up one morning, there you were with your head half in the toilet. Your hair was in the toilet water. Disgusting." "I told you, I had the flu," answers Christopher, but Silvio doesn't care. "I said my piece, Chrissy!" he shouts back. This must have been a fun scene to shoot. Carmela interjects to point out that Christopher was high at Livia's wake, and Christopher surprisingly chooses not to defend himself by saying that would be impossible to prove, even with computers. Paulie then takes his turn, and simply tells Chris, "You're weak, you're out of control, and you've become an embarrassment to yourself and everyone else." This finally pushes Christopher over the edge, and he lashes out at all of them. He accuses Silvio of sleeping with all the Bing girls, threatens to reveal how Paulie screwed up in the woods last year, and even tells Tony, "The way you fucking eat, you're gonna have a heart attack by the time you're fifty." Paulie leaps out of his chair to grab Christopher and threaten him, and Mama Moltisanti finally speaks up to say that she hopes someone beats some sense into her son. "Great, my own mother," spits Christopher. "Fuck you, you fucking whore." Ooh, he should NOT have said that with Paulie right there. Moms are Paulie's meat, so to speak, and that gets proven when Paulie punches him right in the face. The whole thing quickly degenerates into a brawl, which is highlighted by Christopher throwing Vinnie Delpino through the coffee table. Heh. Best. Intervention. Ever.

Aaron: Um, what are all you guys doing here?

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