Sopranos
The Strong, Silent Type

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Aaron: B | Grade It Now!
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No Woman, No Cry

Junior's Joint. Tony comes over to see Svetlana, or, as he puts it, "bring some pastries for the old man." Is that what the kids are calling it these days? The two of them settle on Junior's sofa with some glasses and a bottle of vodka, and soon begin chit-chatting about various things. After a long, only mildly awkward silence, Tony pipes up with, "You know, I was thinking about you." "Ahh, so you are drunk already," replies Svetlana with a smile. Heh. I love Svetlana. But you already knew that. Tony goes on to praise her, and she giggles a bit, loving the attention. But then he screws up and compliments her once again for persevering in the face of her one-legged-ness. "That's the trouble with you Americans," she replies, lighting a cigarette. "You expect nothing bad ever to happen, when the rest of the world expects only bad, and they are not disappointed." How very Russian of her, which is admittedly appropriate, as this show has just started airing in Russia. Oh, and you should really take the time to check out that link, if only to see the hilarious mis-caption which implies that Tony likes to have sex with his daughter at the zoo. Svetlana goes on to claim that Tony isn't as bad as all the rest, because he has "many fine qualities." He's "big, strong, full of life and mischief." Tony stares at her for a moment before telling her how beautiful she looks, sitting there on the sofa. And he's right, by the way. Not that she's ugly normally, but the lighting crew really did a fantastic job here. "You remind me of that movie star," he says, "Greta Garbo." He reaches out to touch her face, and just like that, they start kissing. We cut to a wide shot as Tony rolls on top of her, and the director curses himself for not reversing their positions on the couch so that her missing leg could be visible. Or maybe he just congratulates himself for saving some money on the effects budget. Either way, they mack, Soviet-style.

Rehab. Christopher, Adriana, and Patsy pull up in front of a swank-looking clinic called "Eleuthera House." Conspiracy theorists should take note that it's not the same one the FBI recommended. They head inside, and Christopher announces that he's checking in. The receptionist pages someone to come get him, and also reminds them that no phone calls are allowed for the first two weeks. "I'll write," says Christopher. "I was thinking of keeping a journal anyway, maybe get it published under my pen name." Conspiracy theorists should take note that his pen name could be "Aaron." I'm just saying. Some guy finally comes out to meet them, and while I've never heard the actor's name before, I'm almost positive he appeared on Six Feet Under at some point. Then again, I thought Dean Martin was Roy Rogers, so what the hell do I know? Six Feet Under Guy introduces himself as Brad, and proceeds to search Christopher's bag for contraband. He removes a pile of candy bars because caffeine and chocolate aren't allowed, but also says that cigarettes are actually encouraged. Well, in that case: flick…ahhhhhh. Chris and Adriana share a tearful hug, and then he disappears into the rear of the clinic.

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Sopranos

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