The Strong, Silent Type

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B | Grade It Now!
No Woman, No Cry

Back at Junior's, Tony and Svetlana are basking in the afterglow. He tries to brush her off with the usual "I'll call you in a few days," but Svetlana pre-empts him by saying they shouldn't get together again. "Tony, come on," she says, "You're a nice guy, but I got my own problems. I don't want all the time to prop you up." Damn. She's just dissing Sopranos left and right these days. Tony can't believe what he's hearing, but just then the other nurse lady arrives and interrupts their little argument. Tony walks out, looking pissed.

Cut to Furio, sitting alone in his apartment. He's so sad! Isn't it horrible? And doesn't it just make him soooooo three-dimensional and interesting? You know, because he was all tough before, and now he's weepy and boring? Do you get it? Do you want us to repeat it for three more episodes? Because we can, you know. Of course, now that I've mocked them for it, I'm sure this plot will explode any second now, and I'll end up looking like an idiot. But even if they do have a kick-ass ending in store for us, it still doesn't justify the time wasted up until now. But that's an argument for another recap. In this one, Tony has also come home to find himself alone. He shouts for Carmela, but eventually finds a note from her on the kitchen table. Read it well, my friends, because the 617 area code and the oblique reference to the "Charles Hotel" are the only clues we get that Carmela is in Boston with her mother. Otherwise, we're just supposed to think she's gone over to Furio's. Which she hasn't. Which is symbolic of everything I bitched about above. Anyway, we cut back and forth between the manly men in Carmela's life, all the better to compare and contrast their relative appeal for her. Furio drinks wine and carefully cleans his utensils! Tony drinks milk and microwaves leftovers! Obviously, Furio is the better man! How could anyone think differently?

And finally, Paulie brings home his newly modified painting, and returns it to the place of honor in his living room. Tony has indeed been replaced by someone who does look "like Napoleon," and Paulie now clearly feels much better about his decorating scheme. He returns to his chair, flips on a baseball game, and sits back to relax as we slowly zoom in on the painting. Once again we end an episode with an eyeball close-up, only this time "The Executioner's March" plays as we're left to ponder the hidden messages Foreshadowing has stashed in the credits.

Will Tony live or die? Will Furio fish or cut hair? Will Christopher kill the monkey? Did Paulie kill the horse? Only three episodes left!

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