Sopranos
The Strong, Silent Type

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B | Grade It Now!
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No Woman, No Cry

And sit on her fur

Ahem. When I return to my senses, Carmela is primping in front of the hallway mirror. And sure enough, just as we notice her brand new shorter haircut, the doorbell rings. She opens it to greet Furio, and…hey! It's Vinnie Delpino! And not only that, the shot is perfectly blocked to make you think it really is Furio until the absolute last possible second. Plus they've got Vinnie all decked out in black leather, so he actually sort of looks like Furio's Mini-Me. Hee! Carmela is crushed by this unexpected substitution, and Vinnie explains that Furio couldn't get a flight out of Rome on Air Contrivia this early in the episode. Carmela invites him inside, and then ditches him in the foyer without so much as an offer of a cup of coffee. Man, not even Wanda Plenn ever treated him that bad. In the kitchen, Tony comes downstairs to kiss his wife goodbye, and immediately notices the new do. "I thought we agreed that you were going to talk to me first if you were gonna do something to your hair," he gripes. Oh, Tony, Tony, Tony. Come on, dude! What guy doesn't know better than that? Why not just tell her she looks fat in that outfit? They do it all the time in the forums. And have you forgotten that this woman just stole fifty thousand dollars from you over a fingernail? "Do you like it?" she asks, ignoring his patriarchal patronization. "It's short," he replies, before adding that he's a bad, bad husband, and that Carmela should feel free to look elsewhere for emotional validation. Okay, actually he just kisses her again and walks out the door, but it's anvilicious all the same.

Back at the Dead Doggie Duplex, Adriana comes home to find Christopher passed out on the sofa and yet another clever clip running on the TV. She rolls her eyes at his obvious royal highness, and grabs Cosette's leash off the table in preparation for a nice afternoon walk…TO THE MORGUE, that is. She frantically searches their surprisingly small one-bedroom apartment for a moment before finally spotting the motionless lump of fur peeking out from beneath her fiancé. She shoves him out of the way, but it's too late. Cosette has already gone to that big fire hydrant in the sky. "I fell asleep," reports a befuddled Christopher. "She must have crawled under there for warmth." Heh! He cradles Cosette's corpse in his hands for a moment, and I'm moved to realize that somebody in the prop department spent as much time lovingly sewing together a dead dog doll as they did recreating Joey's severed head last week. That's got to be a very interesting job some days. Adriana flips out and starts screaming at Christopher, blaming the whole thing on his "fucking smack fuck lifestyle." Damn. Who wrote that line, Alan Ball? She stomps into the bedroom to cry in peace, and yes, she is wearing a leopard print shirt in this scene.

Bada Bing. Tony, Silvio, and Paulie are playing pool along with everyone's favorite whipping boy, Bouncer Bob. Howdy, Bob! How've you been? Despite the fact that the game they're playing doesn't seem to follow the known rules of any billiards game I've ever seen, they do at least appear to be enjoying themselves. Until, that is, Tony asks if anyone has heard from Joey. No one has, so Tony saunters over the phone to try calling him again. Ooh, very smooth, Tony. That's sure to fool them! Now Christopher arrives, fresh from burying Cosette's body under an end zone at the Meadowlands (somewhere between Jimmy Hoffa and Vinny Testaverde's talent, no doubt), and delivers a large package that was waiting outside for Tony. When Bouncer Bob helpfully informs Chris that Tony is calling Joey, we're treated to a shot of a bored-looking Tony pulling the cigar out of his mouth so he can literally blow smoke up the asses of everyone in the room. After listening to Joey's insipid answering machine message again, Tony hangs up and slices open his package. Ew. Not like that. You people are disgusting. To the surprise of no one who's been watching regularly this season, the box contains the pastoral painting of Pie-O-My that Tony commissioned a few weeks back. Everyone looks appropriately distressed over this discovery, except, of course, for Bouncer Bob, who once again flies in the face of danger by pestering Tony for details on an uncomfortable subject. Rather than delivering a smackdown, however, Tony just turns and stomps out of the Bing without saying a word. You can actually see the relief on Bob's face, by the way. Heh. With Tony gone, Paulie instantly declares their game of straight nine-ball monopoly snooker to be a forfeit, and grabs the cash from the table.

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Sopranos

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