The Strong, Silent Type

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B | Grade It Now!
No Woman, No Cry

Cut to Carmela and AJ, ringing the doorbell at Furio's (Eternally Unrequited) Love Shack. "Why am I always having to come here?" gripes AJ as they wait. Heh. I've wondered the same thing myself many, many times. Once they get inside, Carmela claims that she's really there to help him with some decorating tips, and even mentions a picture of a "mirrored backsplash" that she thought might look really good in his kitchen. That's not at all important to the scene, but the one episode of Trading Spaces that I've actually watched all the way through did manage to teach me what a backsplash is, and after the giblet incident, I didn't want to look like a completely undomesticated boob. Even though I clearly am one. Anyway, AJ wanders off into another room, and Carmela and Furio engage in some awkward and incredibly boring small talk about how Furio doesn't feel at home in either America or Italy. Then they start talking about the dental hygienist she fixed him up with, and Furio reports that he dumped her ass because "there was no communication." "You know, like with some people," he adds, fixing her with a knowing look. Oh, for Christ's sake, JUST KISS ALREADY! You're boring the fuck out of me! If you're gonna do it, do it! Otherwise just shut the hell up and go beat somebody with a golf club. These two need to either fish or cut bait, and they need to do it now. You know, on second thought maybe that should be "fish or cut hair." "So why did you come back [to America]?" asks Carmela hopefully. "You promised you'd take me to CompUSA," answers AJ. Heh. The kid steps back into the kitchen, thus ending whatever moment Carmela and Furio were sharing while I fast-forwarded to the end of the scene. As they turn to leave, the kettle of water on Furio's stove comes to a boil, and all I can say is that I hope this plot will eventually follow suit.

Junior's Joint. Svetlana is in the kitchen, busily typing away on her laptop. You'll all be relieved to know that the spat between David Chase and Steve Jobs that forced Carmela to get a Gateway a few weeks ago has been resolved, and the Apple logo is once again front and center in the frame. Tony enters with Furio, who's brought a case of his Uncle's wine for Junior. Svetlana reports that Junior is enjoying his afternoon nap, so they all decide to have some wine while they wait. After her first sip, Svetlana declares that the wine needs ice, and Furio is so offended by this that he heads into the other room to watch TV. Just like Bobby's kids, however, he's chagrined to discover that Junior doesn't have cable.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Tony discovers that Svetlana is building a website for her business on the computer. He's suitably impressed by her abilities, and I'm just obsessive enough to accept that as a shout-out on Glark's behalf. He also asks about her mysterious boyfriend "Bill," and Svetlana claims that "Bill" is in Port St. Lucie to watch the "Mets" go through spring training. "You know, 'Bill' is a lucky man," says Tony. "You got every excuse to be in the bottle, and here you are designing websites." You know, I said exactly that to Sars once, and she beat me with a xylophone. ["Used a real one, too." -- Sars] Svetlana doesn't immediately get that Tony is referring to her missing leg, but I do immediately get why he's attracted to her. She disses Janice, she has a sexy accent, and she builds websites with a cigarette dangling from her lips. It just doesn't get any sexier than that, people. Once she finally does realize that he's talking about the leg, she sighs, "There are worse things," and the scene comes to an close.

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