The Telltale Moozadell

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B | Grade It Now!
The softer side of snakes

TCFKAL. Matush is moving product in the alley next door when Vinnie and Whiny Winkelson appear to chase him off. He's met in the street by a gun-toting Furio, who cracks me up by telling him that "we gonna take a walk" as he escorts him away. Cut to a battered, bandaged, and bruised Matush in the hospital, complete with a broken left arm that's been rigged to a huge sling. Little Lord Fuckpants arrived with a pornographic magazine (curiously, it's not titled Fuckpants), noting that "hey, your right arm still works, eh?" Matush doesn't find this funny, and explains what happened prior to Furio's frenzy. When Jackie asks if his name was mentioned, Matush moans, "I don't think they like you." Hee! He asks Jackie to fetch the bedpan so he can pee, but the Little Lord isn't about to touch that one.

David Chase: "We gonna take a walk." Heh. Good work, my son.
Michael Imperioli: Thanks.
David Chase: But it's still not as cool as "What are you gonna do?"
Michael Imperioli: Yeah, I know. I was gonna use "Avast, ye scurvy bastard," but I changed it at the last second.
David Chase: Aww, you should have kept it. Everybody loves pirates.
Michael Imperioli: Yeah, pirates are always cool. I wonder why that is?
David Chase: I think it's the shoes.

Cut to the Aprile Abode. Pants and Fuckpants are making pasta together, and only on The Sopranos would you ever hear the word "fuck" used as a diminutive. Well, actually it's only in my recaps of The Sopranos that you'd hear it, but still. Pants Sr. shares his secret recipe with Fuckpants the Lesser, but Jackie's got other things on his mind. "I need a piece. I mean, I don't need one, but, you know…" Pants gives him a look, but then turns surprisingly supportive. He pulls a pistol out of a kitchen drawer and hands it over, saying, "You can have it. I got another one under the bed." When Pants announces that the "macaroni is ready," Fuckpants quickly hides the gun in the toaster. Heh.

In a hotel suite somewhere, Tony and Gloria are dancing. She marvels at his evident self-confidence, saying, "You really are in love with yourself, aren't you?" "What do you mean, conceited?" replies Tony, and she's forced to explain what she meant. She pushes him down onto the sofa, rephrasing, "You deprive yourself of nothing," which elicits a cocky grin from Tony. They mack for a moment, and then she stands and pulls off her dress. I don't care what anybody says, she's hot. She starts to pull off his pants, but stops short when she encounters his gun in an ankle holster. Tony manages to keep a straight face when he claims that "some of [his] accounts are in bad neighborhoods." I, on the other hand, snickered a bit at that one. Gloria stares up at him for a beat before revealing that she's perfectly aware of what he really does for a living. "I know why you lie, and you don't have to," she tells him, causing Tony to look nervous and concerned. He can't be too concerned, however, because when she asks to hold the gun, he readily agrees. She plays with it for a few moments before asking if it's loaded. Tony declares that there's "nothing more useless than an unloaded gun" as he pulls her up for a kiss. As a great writer not named Imperioli once declared, if you show a gun in the first act, it must be fired in the third, and I think this week we've been shown exactly how Tony and Gloria's relationship will reach its denouement. And no, she's not an FBI agent.

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