The Telltale Moozadell

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B | Grade It Now!
The softer side of snakes

At the zoo, Tony and Gloria lean against one another, gazing at the gorillas in their habitat. Tony makes a few cracks about the smell, but then the subtext kicks in when he says that the apes could "innocently maul you into ten pieces." Gloria explains that they usually only act threatening, and Tony replies that "that's because they already did all their mauling. Now all they gotta do is give you the look." If that's not an apt metaphor for the effect Tony has on Gloria, I don't know what is. Gloria snuggles closer, channeling the subtext into a completely different direction by reminding him that "other primates groom each other." Tony apparently feels her left breast is in need of some grooming, because that's where his hand goes. It emerges from her shirt with a locket of some sort, which she describes as a "Tibetan talisman, for protection." Tony's face goes instantly flat. "I knew it. I knew there had to be something," he sighs. Cut to later, as they stroll through the zoo. Tony explains that his sister was a Buddhist, and "she's a wackjob." Gloria defends her beliefs, evangelizing that Buddhism just helps her keep perspective. "The first noble truth is that life is suffering. But the Buddha preached joyful participation in the sorrows of the world." She stops and leans up against a railing, giggling because "[she] said zoo, and [he] came." Tony doesn't like her playing mind games, but she pulls him close and gushes, "You're sweet…I'm crazy about you. You know that, don't you?" They kiss, and props to the sound guys for dropping in some animalistic growls on the soundtrack here. Eventually, a crowd of kids wanders by and spoils the moment, especially after Gloria asks if Tony ever brought his own kids to the zoo. Tony responds by calling out, "See ya later," and when Gloria asks who he's waving to he replies, "Oh, that was my hard-on." Heh. Gloria is sympathetic, purring, "Aww, between the Buddhism and the talk about the family, poor you." Tony gets a very weird look on his face for a second here, almost like she's jogged some sort of a memory. Twenty bucks says the phrase "poor you" comes up again before the end of the season, and I wouldn't be too surprised to hear Big Pussy saying it, either. Gloria reaches in to check if Tony's hard-on really did disappear, and then the action moves to, of all places, the snake house. Nice touch, Moltisanti. "You know snakes can fuck themselves?" offers Tony by way of pillow talk, but Gloria just wants to get right down to business. As for the sex scene which follows, well, let's just say it's not TV. It's HBO. Also, if Adam and Eve were anything like these two, I can totally understand why we got kicked out.

The Little Lord Loft. Jackie Jr. is holding court with a couple of friends, and the Ecstasy dealer from the Crazy Horse. One of the friends explains that they had an arrangement to sell there, but now some made guy named "Multi-something" is running the show. "I know Chris," imparts Jackie, trying to sound as important as he can. He's also mimicking Brando a bit with his posture and arm movements, which is yet another subtle nod to the way in which so much of mob culture is shaped by the movies, rather than the other way around. "What's your name again?" he asks the Russian, who replies, "Matush." "I asked your name, not where Furio kicked you," replies Jackie, before agreeing to fix the situation. Or at least that's what he should have said.

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