Sopranos
The Telltale Moozadell

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The softer side of snakes

Headmaster Weasel's office. He intones that the standard punishment for an infraction like AJ's would be expulsion, citing the school's "zero tolerance" policy. He then goes on to state that AJ's sentence will be suspended, based on his "academic performance, and his participation in extracurricular sport." "So it's not exactly zero tolerance, is it?" snarks Carmela. Tony suggests detention, but Headmaster Weasel explains that "a lawsuit forced us to cancel our detention program." Tony is reduced to pleading, "But he's off the football team, right?" Headmaster Weasel weasels out of that one too, claiming that "studies at Harvard, as well as other places" show that sports are good for the kids. A priest in a gym suit who's been standing in the corner the whole time gushes about the great "leadership skills" that AJ shows on the field, and I don't know why everyone is so keen about keeping the kid on the team, especially since the only play we've ever seen him make was pure luck, and he fainted the next day in practice. The headmaster suggests that AJ's punishment be handed out parentally, and Tony is forced to warn AJ to wipe the smirk off his face. Afterwards, Tony and Carmela bicker as they back walk to their car sans AJ. Tony swears to punish the kid as harshly as possible, insisting that "he ain't getting off that easy." Except for the fact that he's already back in school, that is.

Melfi's office, and for the second time in three weeks, she's seeing someone other than Tony. That kind of weirds me out a bit. Gloria confesses that "overall, it's been a good two weeks…I had a wonderful dream where I lit the big torch at the Olympics." She goes on to list all the things that are going well in her job, but then Melfi turns the screws by asking about her personal life. "Nothing, right now," she stumbles, and Melfi moves in for the kill. "What I'm going to say is a little delicate, but I think it's important. When you called to cancel the other day, I heard a man's voice." Gloria is a lousy liar, by the way, claiming that "her car broke down." Then she berates Melfi for having the gall to ask what she perceives to be an inappropriate question, and to a certain extent she's right. This may be important for her therapy, but Melfi really just wants to know if it was Tony or not. Melfi reminds Gloria about her suicide attempt after her last break-up, but Gloria insists it was only "suicidal ideation." Which is odd, because it sure looked like suicidal foreshadow-ation to me. Gloria remains unrepentant, sticking with the breakdown story, and Melfi eventually agrees to believe her.

Silvio and Christopher are ensconced at the Bing's bar, bitching about all the problems that are inherent to running a club. "It's one thing to own a bar and sell some drinks," says Silvio, "but when you're dealing with performers, I don't care if it's music, tits, or fire-eaters, it's a whole other game." The nightly grind continues, and Silvio retires to his office to take a phone call. Jackie Jr. takes the opportunity to join Chris at the bar, and Chris is very clearly not too happy to see him. "I was hoping to have a little sit-down with you about a friend of mine," starts Jackie, but Christopher interrupts to tell him that now is only okay "for a chat, not a sit-down." Little Lord Fuckpants agrees to keep to just the chat, and then lays out the Russian's situation. Chris, who's being filmed entirely from behind for some reason, is pretty adamant, however, insisting that he doesn't want Ecstasy in his club because the Feds have task forces all over it. Jackie starts to beg him to change his mind, but before he can get too far, Tony walks in. Jackie immediately ducks his head and takes off for the nearest exit, which just happens to be an emergency one. The alarm sounds, and Tony finally looks up from his paper, but not until Jackie is safely away.

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Sopranos

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