Nestled deep in a high-security, nuclear-bomb-proof underground bunker somewhere in the desert southwest of Taos, New Mexico, The Television Without Pity Advanced Research Projects Facility has long been hard at work on developing the ultimate interactive recap. These are the same people who have already brought you such technological marvels as the forums, the homepage poll, and the brand new text ads, but they've still not yet met their ultimate goal of "One Reader, One Recap." So, as an interim measure designed to make you as readers feel like an integral part of the process, we've decided to present the first ever (and most likely last ever as well) installment of Aaron's Reader Mailbag Without Pity. All of the following are direct quotes taken from e-mails I personally have received in the last seven days. The names have been omitted to protect the idiotic, and the "[sic]" is implied.
Letter #1: "You straight men and your anal-sex-is-worse-than-death sensibilities are hilarious. Could you have made Ralphie's pegging more about yourself with your 13-year-old boy watching 'Deliverance' histrionics? Me hate when man take woman role in sex... me raging heterosexual....! ROAR!"
[To be fair, this person later apologized, and actually seemed somewhat sane. Nonetheless, you'll still have to excuse me for a moment while I hook up my Pabst Blue Ribbon IV and configure the television to show picture-in-picture so that I can simultaneously watch Sunday football and also all the heterosexual porn I TiVoed off Skinemax last night. ROAR!!!]
Letter #2: "Hello! I am Mrs. Sese-Seko, the widow of the late President Mobutu Sese-Seko of Zaire. I am moved to write you this letter in confidence considering my present circumstance and situation...I escaped along with my husband and two of our sons, Johnson and Basher, out of Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) to Abidjan, Cote D' Ivoire where my family and I settled and where my husband died of the cancer disease . One of my late husband's chateaux in Southern France was confiscated by the French government, and as such I have had to change my identity. I have deposited the sum of thirty million United State dollars (US$30,000,000) with safekeeping in Europe. What I want you to do is indicate your interest that you will assist us by receiving the money on our behalf."
[Thirty million? The Ivory Coast? Johnson and Basher Sese-Seko? Sign me up, baby!]