[Thirty million? The Ivory Coast? Johnson and Basher Sese-Seko? Sign me up, baby!]
Letter #3: "Are there really any GOOD episodes of Red Shoe Diaries? I mean, really?"
[What's frightening is that this one came from a recapper.]
Letter #4: "I see so many of your staff members choose Farscape among your very favorite shows. So, my question is, why no Farscape column / forum?"
[Um, because it's cancelled?]
Letter #5: "I'm dropping a line about a query I have about the Sopranos TWOP forum, that I'd greatly appreciate any help with. The search function doesn't seem to work and every time I post a decent thread on any TWOP tv show forum, one of the stingy owners of it closes it, to save bandwidth…I'm reviewing the show for high school and would find this a great help, if there have been any discussions. Can you also recommend any active and intelligent Soprano's discussion forums, as most of the ones I've come across so far, are pretty lame."
[Here's a quick tip, kids: Calling people stingy and lame is NOT the best way to get them to help you with your homework. ]
Letter #6: "i liked your sopranos recap. however, it was not roy rogers. it was dean martin from the movie 'rio bravo' starring deano, john wayne, and a young rickey nelson."
[Yes. I know. And by the way, there is no prize for being the one-millionth person to tell me this, so please stop trying.]
Letter #7: "So glad you're still grounded, and I hope you find a girl to marry that isn't like me. I'm sure you do, too. Love, Mom"
[I'm grounded for saying that, aren't I?]
So there you have it. I'm afraid I have no choice but to sell you all for medical experiments. But still, never let it be said that TWoP discourages reader participation. Hell, we've probably even encouraged some of your lawyers to participate at this point. So, just remember: Think before you hit send. You don't want to end up like Joey.
We open this week on the gritty, gritty (tm Alex Richmond) streets of the naked city. Except that everyone is dressed, and it appears that a street-cleaner has recently passed by. In a nearby bar, we join Johnny Sack and the newly ubiquitous Ruben the Cuban as they enjoy a few cognacs and discuss the relative merits of dating a dancer from Cats. Down at the other end of the bar, a heretofore unseen member of Joey Pants's crew is laughing and carrying on with a friend. Given his gang's known sartorial stylings, and the fact that we've never seen this guy before and probably never will again, I've decided to dub him Yeoman Donny Red Shirts. Upon hearing his laughter, a seriously glaring Johnny Sack makes what appears to be an abortive attempt to kill Yeoman Donny using Clark Kent-style eyebeam ejaculate. Unaware of the wrath his harmless giggles have incurred, Red Shirts excuses himself to head out to his car. Once there, he's intercepted by Angry Sack, who proceeds to exact revenge using the more conventional mob method of beating the living crap out of the guy. Then he pisses on him. Which was cool, but not as cool as when Keyser Soze did it. And besides, is this really the creative direction the show wants to take after such an extended layoff? No Tony or Melfi, but all the piss, puke, and political posturing you can shake a stick at?