Sopranos
To Save Us All From Satan's Power

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Ho ho ho and a barrel of fun

Das Sopranohaus. Tony "Roberto Alomar" Soprano comes down the steps into the kitchen, looking even more disheveled than usual. "I wish I could get up at 11:30 every morning after being out God knows where," whines Carmela. Since that pretty much describes my entire college experience, I can certainly sympathize with her as well. Or at least I could until she started banging all the pots and pans together. Can we get a little more passive with our aggressive here, please? It's still pretty early, you know. Tony tries to assuage her jealousy by describing himself as "the monogamy poster-boy." "What about Charmaine?" she asks, and Tony swears he didn't do anything. "You did in high school," she reminds him, and even for Carmela this Charmaine obsession seems like a bit of a stretch. Tony continues to protest his innocence (and rightly so, at least in this case), but Carmela has had it. "It's too late, all right? I don't believe anything you say anymore."

Cut to Melfi's office, where Tony is explaining his problems with Jackie Jr.. Melfi asks if he feels responsible for Meadow and the Little Lord's relationship, and Tony answers with a remark I'll not repeat here. Suffice it to say that he does, in fact, feel responsible. Tony wonders if he should tell anyone what he saw, especially since "it would break [Meadow's] heart if she knew." There's a long pause here, and then Melfi takes a deep breath before changing the subject. "I was thinking about what we were talking about last time you were here. You know, your friend who was working for the federal government? Granted, I get most of my information from the movies and Bill Kurtis, but I was thinking…" Tony obviously sees this as being as much of a professional and ethical violation as I do, because he immediately gets up and stalks out without a word, slamming the door behind him.

Satriale's. There's kids lined up around the block. Inside, Silvio is helping Bobby get into the Santa suit. Watching this reminds Tony of Pussy back in '95, when he showed up at the party already dressed as Santa because he must have been wearing his wire. Much like another famous director (who also has "C" as his last initial), David Chase now chooses to use an Alvin & The Chipmunks song to designate the presence of a flashback. That's certainly one of my more obscure references, so there's special bonus points for the first poster to correctly identify the director and the movie in the forums. Despite my best efforts, you guys haven't been doing too well in the Rae Dawn Chong challenges, so I guess we're gonna have to try something a little different. This is also probably where Sars would insert a sidebar on the unfairness of Alvin & The Chipmunks getting the nod over Josie & The Pussycats, but this recap is still longer than the episode ever was, so I'll just move on. Anyway, it's 1995 again, and a drunken SantaPussy (you know, kind of like Octopussy, only different) wanders into Satriale's with his son. He orders the kid to go make him a sandwich, and when Tony calls him a "method actor," Silvio takes the opportunity to get off another Godfather imitation. The writers, thus having taken the opportunity to check yet another item off their "hooks and gimmicks" clip-show contents list, now remind us (yet again) that Pussy is wired by having him flip out when Paulie tries to rub his belly. "What are you, Mr. Sensitive over here?" asks Tony as Pussy and his cigar stumble into a chair. Silvio calls for Christopher to bring them over an ashtray, and Christopher, by the way, is wearing a baseball cap. You'll quickly come to realize that baseball caps are now the international Mafia symbol for "I'm five years younger in this scene." Pussy immediately starts in talking about work, but once again, before Tony can say anything incriminating, Christopher interrupts. Pussy screams, "I'm talking here," and turns to throw a glass right at Chris's head. He misses, but it does smash the jukebox, thus mercifully bringing the chipmunk portion of the soundtrack to a close. Pussy and Tony almost trade punches at this point, but they're quickly separated by Paulie and Silvio. Before things can go any further, The Late Lord Fuckpants walks in with Little Lord Fuckpants, and hey, is that Jimmy Altieri? Seriously. He looks familiar, but I'm not sure. Silvio greets them warmly, and The Late Lord tries to show off by flaunting the Little Lord's intelligence. "Tell them what you told me in the car on the way over here. What's the capital of Canada?" Jackie Jr. is also wearing The Baseball Cap Of Youth, and oddly enough it's just a plain blue cap with no logo whatsoever. I can't believe they passed up the product-placement opportunity. Was Nobody Beats The Wiz not interested? Because it's true, you know. Nobody does. Pussy drags himself over to the tree, and Christopher lets in a huge crowd of kids. Pussy instantly goes from surly to, well, Santa-ly, and does a great job of the playing the role. Even Tony has to smile.

Cut back to the present, where Bobby Bacala is the worst. Santa. Ever. And that's including Tim Allen. He forgets the presents, yells at the kids, and won't even say "ho ho ho." When he spots a kid trying to sneak in for a second gift, he really goes nuts. "You were on my lap five minutes ago…now you're going on Santa's list and you're getting nothing." The kid responds to this with a spirited and perfectly delivered "Fuck you, Santa," before running back over to the safety of his clearly mortified mother. "Hey my friend, you don't talk that way to Santa," chides Silvio, and Paulie orders the kid to go back and apologize. The look of hatred on Bobby's face as the kid mutters an "I'm sorry" is a classic for the ages. Tony comes over to ask what the problem is, and Bobby is forced to admit that "shyness is a curse."

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Sopranos

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