To Save Us All From Satan's Power

Episode Report Card
Aaron: C+ | Grade It Now!
Ho ho ho and a barrel of fun

Tony, Paulie, and Silvio are hanging out in an empty pizza joint, mocking Bobby's Santa skills. "I don't miss Pussy's fake fucking good cheer," admits Tony, but Paulie feels they should let him "stay with the fish." Tony asks why Paulie visited the psychic last year if he doesn't "dwell on this shit," and Paulie explains that situation was different because Chris had been shot, and it was a "paranormal event." He's not worried that Pussy will haunt him because he "loved that cocksucker like a brother, and he fucked [him] in the ass." Tony replies, "Well, that's the difference between Pussy and the others [heh]. Him you loved." "The world don't run on love," answers Paulie, and all that's left is for Silvio to reminisce that "there's one thing you gotta admit. He made a great Santa Claus." "He did," agrees Tony, but Paulie isn't having it. "In the end, fuck Santa Claus."

David Chase: Uh, yeah. Sorry about all that. I didn't know you'd be stopping by.
Kris Kringle: Don't worry about it. That's not even close to the worst I've ever gotten. Kids can be vicious when they don't get what they want.
David Chase: Really?
Kris Kringle: Hell yeah. Never mind the logistics, customer satisfaction is totally the hardest part of the business. Ponies don't grow on trees, you know. Plus friggin' Sony still hasn't shipped my Playstation 2s. B-2-B, my ass.
David Chase: Wow. I had no idea.
Kris Kringle: And look at what these kids today are asking for...computers. Big-screen TVs. Handguns. Talking Ewok dolls. Hell, some kid named Pontoon actually asked for a bong shaped like a pair of boobies. Now sure, we've got those in stock, but still...
David Chase: Ooh, can I get one?
Kris Kringle: Only people on the naughty list get those.
David Chase: Well in that case, fuck you.

Der Tannenbaum im das Sopranohaus. The whole family is gathered around opening their presents, and believe it or not, all four of them are wearing robes. Everybody back away from your TVs. Apparently, it's contagious. I've know I've been infected for weeks now. The doorbell rings, and Carmela opens the door to reveal Jackie Jr. He comes in and gives Meadow a quick kiss before offering a contrite "Merry Christmas" to Tony. He also hands over some gifts from Rosalie, and then makes sure to give Meadow his gift for her right in front of Dad. He watches for Tony's reaction the whole time, barely even glancing at her as she unwraps the silver necklace. It's inscribed, "To MS from JA. I will always be true," which causes Tony to roll his eyes and walk out of the room. Jackie accepts a hug from a thrilled Meadow, but quickly moves to follow her father into the kitchen. Tony gives Little Lord Fuckpants the same silent treatment Joey Pants got when he tried to apologize, but Jackie Jr. just presses on. He admits that he's flunked out of Rutgers, and that he sees Joey Pants "and he didn't go to school, and look at all the money he was making at [Jackie's] age." Fuckpants goes on to explain his plans for The Fashion Institute and Kate Moss and the Little Lord label, assuring Tony that he can be good if he just applies himself. Tony doesn't buy any of it, saying, "You bullshit me, and you betray my daughter." Jackie apologizes profusely yet again, and Tony sends him back into the living room. "But I'm gonna be frank on this," he warns, "I still haven't decided what to do with you."

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