Two Tonys

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B+ | Grade It Now!
A Little Less Conversation...

Back at Das Sopranohaus, Carmela is meeting with a couple of (rangers? Wranglers? Rousties?) from the Fish & Game commission while AJ lurks in the background. They explain that bear sightings are getting more common in these parts, and also offer up such useful tips as not taking out the garbage until the last minute and covering the cans with ammonia bleach to hide the scent. AJ, however, suggests a much more pragmatic approach: "You should have busted a cap in its ass with Dad's rifle." Heh. The head roustie-wrangling ranger hands over his card and tells Carmela that the bear probably won't come back, but that she should feel free to call if it does. And oh, yeah. She's definitely feeling free. Her face lights up when she takes the card, and I guess this would probably be a good time for me to point out that Ranger Rick here is a fairly handsome man, or at least as handsome as it's possible for a man to be while wearing a hat with a giant pine tree on it. Carmela also refuses AJ's entreaties to inform Dad about the situation, although she does admit when asked that Tony has been storing duck food (and small, unmarked bills) in a nearby bin. "That's probably what attracted the animal," explains Ranger Rick. "The corn's gotten damp and aromatic." Uh huh. And judging from Carmela's giddy expression, that corn ain't the only thing that's...yeah. Sorry.

Tony is still getting dressed, but Valentina has now moved on from discussing his loaf to flipping through the channels on her TV. She cruises past a showing of The Prince of Tides without stopping, but Tony immediately demands that she go back so he can watch. Now, I've never seen The Prince of Tides, and obviously I'm quite proud of that fact, but up until this moment I never realized just how abysmally, jaw-droppingly awful it truly is. I Do people actually watch this voluntarily? Can Nick Nolte's appearance in that mug shot be explained by the fact that he accidentally caught a late-night showing? It's just...awful. Awful, awful, awful, awful, awful. So, of course, Tony loves it. And it really is a spot-on parody of his relationship with Melfi. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, HBO has the best damn subtextually relevant clip-pickers in the entire universe. Hmm. I wonder if "clip-picker" is an actual job. Because I could definitely use a new one. Valentina finally manages to remind me why I hated her so much by gushing that Babs's fingernails look amazing, despite being "totally real." Sigh. Just shut up and look pretty, okay? And perhaps she'd also be well-advised to avoid drawing attention to the fact that, thus far, her fingernails have actually been the only important part of her character. Valentina's further attempts at determining why Tony is enjoying this crapfest so much are rebuffed so that we can cut back to the movie in time to hear Nick Nolte utter the immortal line "Her questions were makin' me as dizzy as her perfume." Yeah. This movie is making me as nauseous as a bottle of cod liver oil. (I'm sorry, did I just make a joke about cod liver oil?)

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