Sopranos
Unidentified Black Males

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Aaron: A+ | 1 USERS: A
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Walk On The Wide Side

Finn's Flat. Meadow comes home to find her boyfriend snoozing on the sofa, and cheerfully informs him that Daddy has gotten him a job working construction. And not only that, said job also pays twenty dollars an hour, and no experience is required. "Holy shit!" gushes Finn. "But how is that even possible?"

Asked and answered. We cut to the construction site, where the boys (Wide Guy, Thin Guy, Little Paulie, Patsy Peesy, Vinnie Delpino, and Guy I Don't Recognize) are hanging out, lazily chatting about baseball while Finn carries bricks from one pile to another. He butts in on their baseball conversation to praise the Padres, but I couldn't possibly care less about baseball, so I'll just mention that the only strictly relevant part of the discussion is when Wide Guy mentions his wife again, just so we'll all remember that he's married. And besides, Paulie just showed up, which means we're finally getting to the good part. "Hey, Shaggy," he shouts to Finn. "Grab a bucket and some Lysol and scrub off my tires. There's fucking dog shit all over by the engines." Heh. "Shaggy." Finn looks confused, as is his wont, but reluctantly gives in after Paulie threatens to knock his teeth out and yells at the foreman to mind his own business. Hmm. So let's see, this season has now had multiple references to bears, blowjobs, apples, Jackie Gleason, shaven pubic hair, and people forcing other people to clean up animal excrement. I have absolutely no idea what all those things have in common, but they probably would make for one hell of a party, don't you think? Once Finn has gone, Little Paulie takes it upon himself to reveal that the boy is dating Meadow, and Paulie immediately changes his spots. But not his wings, of course, especially now that Little Paulie is fulfilling his genetic destiny by sporting some alopecia of his own. Big Paulie immediately runs over to Finn, and tells him not to worry about the dog shit. Then he stuffs some money in the kid's pants pocket (not that there's anything wrong with that), and orders him to take Meadow out for a night on the town and tell her that it's all courtesy of "Uncle Paulie." You know, for a guy who's so afraid of pissing, shitting, and fucking, Paulie certainly does do a lot of ass kissing. Oh, and can you guess who finally gets stuck with the dog shit detail? Yep, it's Little Paulie. Man, it is just not his week.

Vesuvio. Carmela waits sullenly by herself at a table, until Tony finally arrives and apologizes for being late. "So," he asks, "to what do I owe this pleasure?" Oy. He totally thinks she wants to get back together. "I don't know if you're going to see it that way," replies Carmela. "I have asked you to lunch to tell you that I'm filing for divorce." Dun dun DUH! And, of course, Artie chooses this precise moment to join them and smugly joke that he hopes they brought their appetites. Yeah. Because everyone else lost theirs after having to listen to this asshole. Tony sends him away, and then accuses Carmela of ambushing him in a public place so that he won't be able to make a scene. And then he reminds her that they're Italian, which means they believe in "the nuclear family" instead of divorce. Except the only things "nuclear" about the Soprano family are AJ's radioactive farts. Carmela: "Despite your best efforts, I have an attorney who is going to aggressively pursue my custody of AJ, and also an equitable distribution of our assets." They key word here, obviously, is "assets," and Tony immediately jumps on her for making this all about the money. "After all we've been through," snarls Carmela, "is it so hard to own up to anything beyond that bullshit tax return?" Before Tony can answer, however, Artie is back. Only this time, he doesn't even get to say anything before Tony growls, "Go stand over there, and I'll call you when I'm ready." Oh, yeah. Now that's the good stuff. It wasn't quite as much fun as watching Artie get his ass kicked, but in an episode filled to the brim with Meadow and Finn, it's probably more than I could have hoped for. Turning his attention back to the matter at hand, Tony reminds Carmela about the forty grand she stole out of the duck food, but that's not good enough for her. "You want this to get ugly?" she asks. "Because these guys live for that." "You think I don't?" he answers. He gets up to leave, but quickly circles back for the last word: "The only reason you have anything is because of my fucking sweat. And you knew every step of the way exactly how it works. But you walk around that fucking mansion in your $500 shoes and diamond rings, and you act like butter wouldn't melt in your mouth. And you don't want it to get ugly. Too late." Carmela: "I want what I'm entitled to." "You're entitled to shit," he replies. Then he looks up at Artie, announces that Carmela's ready to order, and stomps out of the restaurant. Well, that went about as well as could be expected.

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