Sopranos
University

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Girls, Interrupted

Bing. Paulie counts out a wad of cash, and congratulates Chris on the improvement in his earnings. Hey, what do you know? Christopher is alive too. He's also tired. "If I wanted to work eighteen hours a day, I'd have gotten a job at Denny's." Dude, I've been to Denny's, and those people ain't working too hard. Plus, the name "Moons Over My Hammy" offends me somehow.

In the storage closet, Pants has his pants down with Tracee. "Are you crying?" he asks, and yes, she is. I'm not sure how to put this delicately, but she's also simultaneously, uh, "entertaining" a cop, apparently at Joey's behest. You know, it's scenes like this that sometimes make me wish I was recapping Gilmore Girls. I'm also yet again reminded as to why Sars laughed when I suggested people go to the cops, but I think it's fairly safe to say she wasn't laughing at this scene.

Cut from Tracee's tears to Caitlin crying. "That was the most horrific thing I've ever seen," she says, and she only had to watch it once. Caitlin is of course referring to the homeless lady, but the Tracee thing was pretty horrific too. Noah doesn't see why she's so freaked out, since it was just a woman with "a Daily News up her butt," and I think we can assume that one wasn't a product placement. Meadow suggests that Caitlin go to the health center for more medication, but Caitlin instead decides to self-medicate with vodka. Despite the Absolut posters on the wall, Caitlin drinks Smirnoff, although the labeled is cleverly turned away so you can't see that. Don't try getting coy with us now, Dave. Noah gets up and announces that he has to leave, because he's getting up early in the morning. There's some blabber about a friend of his and whether or not he mentioned it to Meadow, and then he takes off, leaving Meadow alone with the sobbing and no longer sober Caitlin.

Carmela is sleeping, alone in the bed. Meadow comes into the room, saying, "I'm sorry, were you sleeping?" And this girl goes to an Ivy League school? She climbs into bed with Mommy, and recaps the evening's events for her. When she mentions Noah, Carmela starts quizzing her. "Is that a problem?" asks Meadow. "Hey, you started this conversation," replies Carmela, who's pretending to be a lot sleepier than she really is. She reminds Meadow about the dentist again (and…get it? With the braces for Tracee?), and also mentions Little Lord Fuckpants. Meadow is still talking about Noah. "[He's] great, but he's kind of odd, you know?" I'm not sure "odd" is really the word I would use. In fact, the consensus choice seems to be "dickhead." Carmela asks if she's in love with the boy, and Meadow replies that "at this point, [she] better be." Carmela tries to get more info, but Meadow doesn't want to share quite that much with Mom.

Cut to the Bing, where a disheveled and disoriented Tony staggers out into the sunlight. In all my life I've only been to a strip club three times, all for bachelor parties, but Tony definitely looks like a lot of the guys you see in there. And here's Tracee again, following him around like a puppy dog. She confesses that she's pregnant with Joey Pants' baby, and Tony doesn't seem too sympathetic. He reminds her that she already has one kid, and that there were problems with that. "Burning him with cigarettes, whatever you were doing," he says. Tracee tells him that she got help for that, and the social workers traced it all back to her mom holding her hand on the stove when she was young. Well, this just keeps getting happier and happier, doesn't it? Tony tells her she needs another kid like she needs a hole in the head. Or a folk singer, for that matter. "So you think I should get an abortion?" she asks. "Believe me, with Ralphie as the father, you'd be doing the kid and the next few generations a favor." And with that, he hops in the car and drives off, leaving a pensive Tracee in the parking lot.

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Sopranos

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