Where's Johnny?

Episode Report Card
Aaron: A | 3 USERS: A+
Uncle Jun's Clan

Over at Livia's house, Tony and Christopher are prepping for an important sit-down with Johnny Sack. Tony is very, very clear about the fact that Christopher needs to keep his mouth shut at this meeting, especially if the subject of Little Carmine comes up. Christopher being Christopher, I think we all know what's coming next, right? Tony gets a call on his cell phone, and it's Bobby calling to say that Junior is "gone." "You mean he's dead?" asks a surprised Tony. Bobby quickly clarifies, but as soon as Tony learns that Junior is just missing and not deceased, he loses any interest (or remorse) he might have had. "He can wander off to the Palisades for all I care," he grumps. "He's fucking dead to me." Then he hangs up, leaving poor Bobby to wonder how he ever got mixed up in this ridiculous family.

Fade to later, as Janice and the kids arrive at Junior's Joint. Bobby is brusque, Janice is bitchy, and the kids just stand there like giant lumps of...something that really doesn't like its stepmother. Bobby begs to go with his dad, and when Bobby says no, the kid further suggests that Janice go and leave the kids there alone. Heh. Janice goes upstairs to lie down, and Bobby tries to be a good father for a minute. "One hour of television," he tells them, "and you both finish your homework." Then he looks right at Bobby Jr. and tells him to lay off the Snapple. Bwah! Now there's a product placement for you. Snapple: The official drink of bed-wetting crybabies everywhere.

The sit-down. Johnny is whining about all the nice things he's done for Little Carmine over the years, including getting Even Littler Carmine in to see some ritzy pediatrician and organizing "whores" and a "lesbian show" for the guy's bachelor party. You know, sometimes I wish Johnny Sack were my friend in real life. We could sit around all day smoking cigarettes and making meta-snarky comments about things that annoy us, and you just know he'd be totally understanding if I ate a lot of Tagalongs and put on some extra weight. Call me, Johnny! We'll do lunch! Christopher, after expressly being told to keep his mouth shut, decides to open his mouth and ask why Johnny and Little Carmine can't just patch things up. Tony tries to change the subject by asking Christopher to pass the bread, but Chris just launches into his own ideas for how to handle the Lorraine situation, and the totally silent Wide Guy is forced to reach all the way across the table and grab the bread for Tony. Hee! I love Wide Guy. Johnny Sack can't believe that Christopher has the nerve to talk about this stuff, and he observes that it wasn't too long ago that Christopher used to spend these meeting waiting in the car. And oddly enough, I just watched last season's finale the other day, and Christopher actually does wait in the car while Tony and Johnny have a meeting at an Office Depot. So I guess "not that long ago" means "almost a year and a half" in Soprano-speak. Now it's Johnny's turn to leave the dinner table angrily, as he stomps off to go hang out at the bar with Frank Vincent. "I didn't say nothing," insists Wide Guy, as Christopher just sits there stewing in his own stupidity.

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