Where's Johnny?

Episode Report Card
Aaron: A | 3 USERS: A+
Uncle Jun's Clan

Cut to Tony and Christopher in the car, with Tony banging on the steering wheel and screaming at his protégé for fucking up. "Now I gotta do something nice for Johnny," he shouts, which will be important in a few minutes. Then he goes on to say that the Johnny/Little Carmine situation is very delicate, but that it still could work out to the Sopranos' advantage if they're able to scoop up some crumbs while the New York boys fight it out. "Odds are Johnny will lend up on top," Tony adds. "But who knows? So keep your ears open and your mouth shut!"

Cut to Adriana, blabbing to the Feds. Oh, hello Ironic Segue Fairy. I thought you'd left me for the Couch Baron years ago. Adriana is sitting in another car somewhere with Agent Exposition New Roman Sans Serif (tm Djb and bratschenspieler), and she's answering a critical question that has been pondered by the finest scholars and philosophers for centuries now: how exactly are Tony and Christopher related? In the interests of satiating your obvious curiosity, I now present Adriana's explanation in full: "Chrissy's not Tony's nephew. Chrissy is Carmela's cousin. She was first cousin to Dickie Moltisanti, Chrissy's dad. But he was always kind of like a big brother to Tony, so Tony calls Chrissy his nephew. It's an Italian thing. Although, technically, Tony and Chrissy are cousins. Joanne Blundetto, Chrissy's mom, is Tony's cousin on his mother's side. But, like way back. Like in the old country or something." Got it? Good. Now let's never talk about that again, because it's giving me a headache. Her shout-out to the show's fan base thus completed, Adriana turns to a more serious subject by asking how much longer she's going to have to keep squealing. "A major RICO against Tony Soprano? Those things take years," explains Agent Foreshadowing Extra Bold. "This recent was seven years before indictments were handed down." Yeah, right. I wouldn't give Adriana much more than seven episodes at the rate she's going. But at least we now know which side of the aisle Tony will be sitting on at her funeral.

Junior, meanwhile, is sitting on a park bench, staring at a giant ten-story bottle that I guess is some sort of billboard or something. Whatever it is, I'm sure I'll be getting email about it. And just as a fun email note, by the way, I'll tell you that I got six separate letters last week telling me that the golf club cover in Jack Masserone's mouth was really for a five wood, and not a five iron like I said. What's interesting is that all six of them came from lawyers. That means something, but I'm not sure what. Anyway, Junior is soon joined by an elderly black woman who tries to strike up a conversion by asking if he lives nearby. "Do you know me?" wonders an addled Uncle Jun. "Are you my mother?" The fact that they're sitting on a park bench discussing philosophical identity issues combined with her soon-to-be-revealed occupation has led the kids in the forum to dub her "The Hooracle" (tm franabanana), and that's certainly better than anything I was thinking of. Junior asks if she knows about some club in the neighborhood, and she laughs and informs him that it burned down years ago. Then she tells him that he's good-looking. "What are you saying?" he wonders. "You and I had relations?" Heh. Insert your own Monica Lewinsky joke here. The Hooracle giggles at him again, and tells him that "some bitch" in a taxicab ran over her foot. Um, okay. I'm counting that one as Taxicab Confessions's official HBO shout-out, by the way, because I just don't think anyone else cares enough about that show to bother. This reminds Junior that he's got a car himself, and Grandma Ho-ses's (tm Slashgirl) eyes light up. "Want a date?" she asks. "I'll give you half-and-half in the back seat." Bwah! I totally didn't see that coming. I do, however, think it speaks well of all you that so many people in the forums didn't know what "half-and-half" means. Even if a disturbingly large percentage of you do know what a "pearl necklace" is.

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