Sopranos
Where's Johnny?

Episode Report Card
Aaron: A | Grade It Now!
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Uncle Jun's Clan

Cut to Paulie, visiting Sal the gardener in a bar. Sal is still pretty badly banged up, and his arm is in a huge cast with one of those truss thingies supporting it from his waist. When Sal whines about the beating, Paulie informs him that the guy who did it just got released from prison. "Obviously he wasn't rehabilitated," he adds. He also promises that if not for the fact that he lives in a condo now, he'd have Sal out there doing his yard with the "snippers" and his "bum wing." You know. Because if anyone can sympathize with bad wings, it's Paulie. I wonder if he's a Mr. Mister fan? Sal reports that his wife wants him to go to cops, and Paulie is absolutely aghast at even the suggestion of such a thing. "What are you talking about?" he asks. "Where are you from?" Heh. Paulie offers to resolve the whole situation, although it will cost Sal a few percent of his future earnings. Knowing exactly what he's getting himself into, Sal reluctantly agrees. Paulie then makes a show of dropping some cash on the bar to pay for Sal's drinks before leaving. I wonder if there's enough there to cover a tip?

Paulie heads straight from the bar to Feech's bakery, where he greets Robert Loggia by calling him "the King of Breadsticks." "I'll give you a breadstick up the ass," growls Feech. Oh, yeah. I'm sure he learned that one in the prison kitchen. They sit down, and as in every other scene in this episode, kick things off with a little chit-chat, this time about Tony. Paulie thinks he should have stayed with Carmela, and then both of them bond over their lifetime bachelor status. I'm right there with you, boys. Paulie finally broaches the subject of the landscaping routes, which causes Feech to launch into a lengthy story about some guy named Mr. Jerry who owns a hair salon and likes to bet on the Knicks. That seems like it would be a fairly rare combination, but we're told that Mr. Jerry is actually one of Paulie's customers, which is why Feech refused to take his bets. Feech then further wonders if "this fucking gardener" also "cuts the hair on [Paulie's] balls." Okay, you know what? We're three episodes in and still robe-free, so I'm instituting a new metric for this season. From now on, all episode grades with be based on StHG, or Start-to-Hairless Genitals. This week scores an 887, which beats out both of the first two episodes. Hence the A. Anyway, Feech is more than a little peeved that Paulie wants him to back off. "What's yours is yours," he sprays, "but what ain't is anybody else's! And before you get any big ideas, that glob of phlegm that just landed on your shirt is still fucking mine!"

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Sopranos

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