Where's Johnny?

Episode Report Card
Aaron: A | 3 USERS: A+
Uncle Jun's Clan

And we now return you to your regularly scheduled recap, already in progress. Johnny continues his complaints by blaming Tony for legitimizing Little Carmine with that visit to Florida last year. Tony responds by floating his "power-sharing" idea, although he is careful to attribute it to Angelo. He also points out that three other families have the same arrangement, and furthermore, it would also serve to lower Johnny's profile when it comes to the FBI. "What is this, the fucking UN?" snarls Johnny. Heh. I hear those guys over at UNICEF hate to share, too.

Over at Junior's Joint, the New Old Guy is watching a Tony Robbins infomercial. You know, because this show just doesn't have enough fucking Tonys. For God's sake, I gotta deal with Tony S. and Tony B., Carmine and Little Carmine, Bobby and Bobby Jr., not to mention an additional Junior, two different Johnnys, and a pair of Frankies. At least they killed both Pussys. I'd have gone insane by now if they hadn't. Anyway, Junior is missing, and Bobby can't find him anywhere. Bobby Sr., that is.

Cut to Junior, wandering the streets with no shoes on. He's somewhere in the old neighborhood, and he finally sees an address that looks familiar. He heads inside, where he finds a man teaching an African-American youth group how to handle reluctant customers when they're out selling on a candy drive. "Nobody wants them Turkish Taffies," complains a kid in the back. "You push harder," replies the leader. "What did I teach you about profit margin?" Hee! I'm totally picturing Girl Scout meetings going exactly the same way. Hell, I've probably put a half-dozen little girls through college by now just with my Tagalong consumption. Junior, however, is confused, because he was apparently expecting to find his brother there. "Where's Johnny?" he asks, which gives us an StTM of 1,538, and slides neatly into third place behind "Toodle-F***ing-Oo" and "Full Leather Jacket" on my list of favorite episode titles. Nobody knows anything about a "Johnny Soprano," though, and Junior is eventually expelled from the premises and forced to take off down the street like the happy wanderer he is.

Back at Junior's Joint, however, Bobby isn't happy at all. He's actually calling around to Junior's ex-girlfriends to see if he's with them, but to no avail. New Old Guy reveals that Junior said something about looking for "Johnny," and also mentions the Curb Your Enthusiasm confusion, which finally causes Bobby to think that Junior might not be well in the head. See? That's what happens when you watch too much television. Bobby's next call is too Janice, who nags him about the dry cleaning and suggests that Junior is off gossiping with the neighbors because he's "an old woman." Well, I don't know if he'd be gossiping with them, but he definitely might be asking them for ice cream. And while we're on the subject of dairy products, Janice takes the phone into the kitchen, where she finds Bobby Jr. mixing up a nice refreshing glass of chocolate milk. Which goes quite well with Tagalongs, by the way. Without even saying a word to the kid, she grabs the glass right out of his hands and pours it out into the sink. Heh. Someone must be a little sick of washing Bobby Jr.'s sheets. Bobby Sr. asks Junior's niece Janice to come over and hang out in case Junior comes home so that Bobby can go out looking. Janice doesn't exactly jump for joy at that idea, though. "I need your help here," bitches Bobby. "Jesus Christ! Sometimes I think I love Junior more than you do!" Well, of course he does. Hell, you can tell that just by the way he says his name. Remember "Junior, don't leave me!"? The scene ends with Janice and Bobby Jr. glaring at each other, and me laughing at both of them.

In another subplot, Paulie is cruising down the street in his car, listening to an audio book of Sun-Tuzoo's "The Art of Hoor." Or something like that. Eventually he spots what he's looking for (a Gary La Manna Landscaping truck), and pulls over to check things out. It's interesting to note here that Paulie completely ignores the advice we just heard Sun Tuzoo giving him about knowing when not to fight. When Paulie climbs out of his car, we hear the unmistakable sound of a chainsaw firing up, and for a second there I was convinced they were going to go all Scarface on us. Now, that definitely would have been cool (and upped the body count), but I still like what actually happens even better. Paulie heads over and accosts one of the two gardeners, but he turns out to just be Gary's assistant. Gary himself is about thirty feet up in a nearby tree, using the chainsaw to trim the branches. There's some shouting and bickering, and Paulie insists that Gary is going to make good on Sal's broken arm. When pressed for a reason why Gary should do something like that, the eternally childless Paulie responds, "Because I said so, that's why." Heh. When he fails to get any satisfaction through simple negotiation, Paulie pretends to give up and walk away. What he actually does instead, however, is grab a shovel and use it to brain the assistant. This causes him to drop the rope which is supporting Gary, who promptly tumbles out of the tree and lands in the gutter. Wow. I wouldn't want to be the poor street-sweeper that's going get stuck cleaning up all the bloody curbs in this neighborhood. While Gary writhes in pain on the asphalt, Paulie nonchalantly reaches down and cleans out the guy's wallet. He also announces that Gary will be making good on Sal's medical bills (about $1,200), and that Paulie will be taking a ten percent cut of any future earnings in this neighborhood. Oh, and he's also stealing Gary's lawnmower, which he gleefully rolls across the street and tries to load into the trunk of his car. It's too big for the lid to close, but that's not enough to stop Paulie. He drives off with the thing hanging out of his trunk, leaving Gary to bleed on the pavement while a little old lady watches silently from the sidewalk. How come cool stuff like that never happens in my neighborhood? Oh, yeah. I don't live in New Jersey.

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