Sopranos
Whitecaps

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B | 5 USERS: B+
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It's The End Of The Season As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

Right. I feel much better now. So anyway, welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends. It's time to wrap up the seasonal subplots, so let's start with Uncle Junior, as he anxiously awaits his verdict in the courtroom hallway. Janice and Bobby are there, along with Melvoin and a random old guy, and eventually a bailiff opens the door behind them. "We're so glad you could attend," he says. "Come inside, come inside." Well, okay, not really, but who can resist an Emerson, Lake, and Palmer reference? What's that? You say I'm the only one who can't? Somehow that doesn't surprise me.

What does surprise me, however, is actually catching a glimpse of Melfi in the season finale. Fittingly enough, she clocks in with precisely forty-eight seconds of screen time. Lorraine honey, call your agent. I'm betting Kiefer could use some therapy by now. She answers the phone in her office, but there's only silence on the other end. A brief cutaway lets us know that it's Tony who's calling, and he hangs up without saying a word. Melfi reaches for the phone and hits *69 (which, mark my words, is as close as these two will ever come to engaging in a sex act), but the number is blocked. She thinks for a moment, and then hangs up. Farewell, sweet Melfi. It's got to hurt to know that Chase thinks Artie and Cousin Brian are more interesting than you.

And now back to the trial, where -- surprise, surprise -- the jury is unable to reach a verdict. Snooze. The most interesting thing about this scene is that the closed captioning misspelled "Allen charge." Everyone congratulates Junior on his mistrial, and then Threatened Juror tries to make friends with SAG Card Juror on the way out of the courthouse. She shoots him down, and that, my friends, is that.

Das Sopranohaus Media Room. AJ comes in to find Tony watching The History Channel while Vinnie Delpino and Little Paulie drag his speakers out of the room. AJ steps around the air mattress to sit down beside his father, and then cracks me up by asking if he can move in there with Tony. Yeah, because there's so much room, and it's so far from his regular home. Doofus. Plus Tony is eating salsa straight out of the jar, so I'm betting the two of them would starve to death within a week. AJ explains that Mom has been extra hard on him lately, and he's tired of having to deal with her. Tony actually handles this pretty well, reminding AJ that his mom is having a tough time of things lately, and insisting that he not do anything to hurt her feelings. Then he hands the kid a few dollars and tells him to buy his mother a present. I certainly hope that by "buy his mother a present," Tony actually means "buy his little blonde hussy of a girlfriend a present, so you can try to get into her pants," because you totally know that's where the money is going. And while it was sweet of AJ to want to live with his father, I still think he's a doofus.

Junior's Joint. Everyone comes home from the courthouse wanting to celebrate, but Junior decides to just order a pizza and stay in for the night. He also laments the fact that Tony won't be coming over to join them, considering "what's going on up in that abattoir." Heh. Of course, with all the other places Tony has had to sleep this episode, a slaughterhouse might actually look good to him by now. As Junior settles down onto the couch and starts to fall asleep, Bobby and Janice giggle and kiss in the kitchen. Then they start singing Sonny and Cher. Then I gouge my eyes out and stomp on the fast-forward button, because it's not like anyone cares about these two anymore, right? Junior certainly doesn't, as evidenced by his ordering Bobby to run downstairs on an errand, specifically so that he won't have to listen to them sing. Janice gives her uncle a disappointed glance, and then Corrado and crew are done for the season.

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Sopranos

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