Episode Report Card
Aaron: B | 4 USERS: B
It's The End Of The Season As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

Aaron: Excuse me?
David Chase: I don't know. It sounded vaguely Biblical, plus it fits your whole "opening line" motif.
Aaron: Yeah, but that's a book. I do TV shows.
David Chase: At least it's not a gay book.
Aaron: Well, there is that chapter where they hold hands in a tub of whale sperm.
David Chase: That's in Moby Dick? I always thought that was from Six Feet Under.
Aaron: Actually, it does sound like something they might do on Oz.

Finale fade up on Carmela, looking like crap as she sucks on a thermometer in a doctor's office somewhere. Behind her, an out-of-focus Tony flips through a magazine and sighs with boredom. Hmm. I don't really remember Carmela being sick this season, but I was so happy not to have to recap last week's episode that I barely even watched it. So is it true that AJ is gay? And Paulie likes the older women? That's what I heard, at least. Anyway, this viral tableaux is interrupted by the sadly non-humorous ring of Tony's cell phone. It's Patsy Peesy, and he's calling to report that Christopher is out of rehab. "He looks good," adds Patsy, although I'm not sure how he can tell, given that Adriana's tongue is wrapped most of the way around Christopher's face. Patsy also takes a moment to flip off the suddenly ubiquitous Agent RICO Suave, whose video rental commercial has followed me around the dial lately with the dogged determination of an FBI surveillance team. Tony passes along the happy news to Carmela, and then the doctor arrives to report that she doesn't have lupus. "Score one for the Italians," he says, and I guess it's safe to assume he didn't bother testing her for Tay Sachs. That joke, by the way, like all the others so far in this recap, is funnier if you're Jewish. Those of you who aren't can just pretend she's suffering from the ever-popular Moroccan Death Flu. "How's your emotional level?" inquires the doctor. "Stress off the charts lately, like the rest of us [who have to recap seventy-five-minute, commercial-free episodes]?" Carmela fails to acknowledge any sudden stress-inducing changes in her life, but does mention that "each day runs into the next," which allows Tony and the doctor to share a meaningful glance as they both recognize the symptoms of depression. The doctor recommends that she continue taking Advil, but Tony steps on any notion of a proper product placement by mentioning that heroin addicts get all the good drugs, while the rest of us are stuck with the "little, yellow, different" crap. On the other hand, you can buy Claritin over the counter now, which only serves to confirm my belief that there is, in fact, a God.

Tony's car. Carmela thanks him for bringing her to the doctor's office, but then gets a little snotty (pardon the sickness pun) when she notices that he missed the turn-off for their house. Tony claims he has a stop to make, and suggests that the sea air and a trip to a favorite restaurant will do her some good. "Goddammit," she replies. "Yeah, I really want lobster." Heh. I'm taking the fact that she's apparently decided to start keeping kosher as a shout-out, and there's nothing you can do to stop me.

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