Episode Report Card
Aaron: B | 5 USERS: B+
It's The End Of The Season As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

Cut to Tony, cruising up the driveway with "Layla" blaring on the car stereo. Heh. That, of course, gets double bonus relevancy points, for both the Goodfellas allusion and also for being a song about another man's wife. In fact, the other man in question was George Harrison, which means it even ties into the Beatles bit from the Office Max scene. Very clever, kids. I don't, however, think this sad song will be getting any better, because Tony is forced to come to a screeching halt when he finds his golf clubs strewn across the driveway. Props as well to director John Patterson here, for editing things into a nifty little parody of the opening credits, complete with the slamming car door. Hell, you could even argue that the skittering golf balls rolling every which way symbolize Tony's own balls, and all the wayward directions they've gone off in this season. Anyway, before we get too deep about all this, Tony runs inside to see what's going on. He's met by a hail of shoeboxes, as Carmela screams in fury and races to lock herself in the bedroom. He chases her upstairs, but pulls up short in front of the locked door. "Carm?" he calls out. "What's the matter? What did I do now, huh?" She finally opens the door, and tearfully lays into him over Irina's call. "She's insane," replies Tony, trying to defend himself. "She's fucking certifiable. I told you, you can't believe anything she says, whatever it is. And we haven't seen each other," he continues, before remembering the belting and adding, "like that." "What about her cousin?" snipes Carmela. "Who I liked? Who I talked to on the telephone about your mother's alopecia, and her bowel movements?" Shout-out? Alopecia runs in my family, you know. "There is not a shred of truth in that," lies Tony, and Carmela immediately wonders why Irina would make something like that up. "It's because she's jealous," she shrieks, trying to shove Tony away. He grabs her arms and wrestles her up against the wall, which prompts even more shrieking before he finally lets her go.

After catching her breath, Carmela turns and walks into the bedroom. Tony follows, but between sobs she screams at him to get out. Another shout-out? I doubt it. Tony tries in vain to calm her down, but when he lays a hand on her shoulder, she slaps it away and demands that he never touch her again. "So you've had a one-legged one now, huh?" she asks. "That's nice. You've had quite a time on my watch. The pre-school assistant, the weightlifter, the six-foot tall Icelandic lesbian trivia-freak stewardess." In the interests of lightening up a heavy scene, I'll just interject to say that while I personally have never had sex with a one-legged woman, I did once do it with a girl who had an extra bone in her foot that looked sort of like a sixth toe. She insisted on keeping her socks on in bed, though, so it never really became much of an issue. And thus concludes the inappropriate sharing portion of the recap. Tony responds to this laundry list of affairs by angrily reminding his wife that at least he never stole from her, although he does get the amount wrong when he accuses her of taking forty thousand, rather than fifty. Carmela denies everything, telling her husband that he sounds demented, and then adds, "You want to hit me, Tony? Go ahead." He doesn't, so she turns away and again tells him to get out, screeching, "I just can't take it anymore." He tries one last time to convince her of his innocence, but she whirls around and brings up the fingernail she found on his night table. "That wasn't hers!" he starts to say, before thinking better of it. Realizing at last that he's been caught, he backs away and offers to take a polygraph to prove that he didn't "carry on an affair" with Svetlana. I guess that's technically true, although it does sort of rank right up there with "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." After Carmela insists for the millionth time that he leave the house, he asks about the kids. "Yeah, it's horrible," she answers. "God help them." Then she collapses on the bed, wracked with sobs, and Tony silently walks out of the room. And while I'm all for giving Edie Falco the Emmy for this episode, I do think they took it just a little too far over the top in this scene. But that's just me.

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