Whoever Did This

Episode Report Card
Aaron: A | 1 USERS: A+
Slice Me Up!

Meanwhile, Tony and Carmela are stepping out themselves. They've gone to the stables to visit Pie-O-My -- or, as Tony likes to call her, "our royal highness." At first I thought Carmela might be concerned that Lois was the owner of last week's wayward fingernail, but, much like some of our forum posters, the only thing she really cares about is the goat. "Uh, yeah. That's her friend," explains Tony. Oh, and props to the early-morning emailer who pointed out that the goat's mouth doesn't move while the sound guys pipe in a few "baaa"s on the soundtrack. You know what I like about Lois, by the way? She totally knows who Tony is and what he does, but she doesn't care because he so clearly loves the horse. That's a nice bit of characterization, and it helps to make the exposition about the big upcoming race go down a lot smoother. Carmela wanders over to Pie's stall and nervously introduces herself. It's a good thing horses are supposedly color-blind, because otherwise the hot-pink jacket Carmela's wearing could set off a stampede. Tony comes over to join her, and Pie immediately approaches him to get some of Tony's good old-fashioned horse-loving. "She likes it when you rub her muzzle right here," he explains. Carmela is captivated by Pie's largely instinctual response to nose-rubbing. "You see that?" she asks. "The second she saw you she came right over." I can't tell whether Carmela is more excited to see Tony as the object of someone's affection, or by seeing Tony himself acting so passionate about the animal. Either way, she loves it. Tony promises to bring her to a race someday, and then we slowly push in on Pie's eye…

…which dissolves into Uncle Junior's eye, as the Ironic Segue Fairy gets his kicks by playing with the Avid machine in the editing bay. Junior is in the hospital, being examined for neurological damage as the result of his fall. Bobby and Melvoin stand by watching, until Mel announces that he has to leave because his daughter is addressing the Irish parliament. Heh. Always with the ethnic mélange on this show. And would that be the Dail Eireann, or the Seanad Eireann? I'm just curious. Out in the hallway, Tony is getting details from a young doctor. "A man his age," the kid says, "he could've been working on a dementia for quite a while and a blow to the head tipped him over." Tony responds by loudly threatening to sue the Justice Department, and then Janice rushes in to overreact as usual. Heh. If you look closely, you can see where they've taped her shirt to her chest to cover the fact that her Rolling Stones tattoo isn't on in this scene. Everyone looks at her with reproach, and…scene.

Over at the Pants Lair, Joey is hanging out with the Guys (Thin and Wide). Incidentally, does anyone know the provenance of the Pants Lair? I know it used to belong to Gigi before last season's unfortunate ass-clenching incident, so I guess it's owned by the crew. But is it a bar? A social club? Someone's house? It looks kind of like a rec room, which, given Joey's sexual predilections, could give all new meaning to the term basement of debasement. In any case, Joey is expounding upon his theories regarding who told Johnny Sack about the "ninety-five-pound mole" joke. He quickly figures out that the message must have been relayed from Little Paulie to Big Paulie to Johnny Sack, just like "a fucking telephone game." "You wanna play phone games?" he shouts, as Wide Guy tosses him the cordless. "That party was the only time I ever mentioned Shamu's fat ass." I shouldn't, but -- heh. After bouncing from operator to operator for a few moments, Joey finally gets connected to Mama Walnuts, who, of course, has her bedside lamp wired to The Clapper. I think it's a safe bet that sometime before the end of the season, this woman will have fallen and been unable to get up. And aren't we all looking forward to that? Once he has her on the line, the real fun begins. "This is Detective Mike Hunt of the Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania police department," says Joey. Ooh, shout-out? Beaver Falls is like ten miles from here. In fact, I'm typing this recap on a computer that's being powered by the Beaver Valley nuclear power plant. Joey goes on to claim that Paulie was busted at a highway rest-stop "sucking a cub scout's dick," and even goes so far as to break out the hoary old gerbil-up-the-ass chestnut before asking if Mama Walnuts has an insurance card to cover the cost of rodent-removal surgery. "Oh, madon'!" she cries, "I have Blue Cross-Blue Shield, is that all right?" Wide Guy and Thin Guy are barely able to contain their peals of laughter, and quite frankly, so am I. I debated whether or not I should admit this, but since there are more than a few potential quasi-shout-outs in this recap, I guess I sort of have to. So here goes: When I was twelve, my friend and I got arrested for making prank phone calls. I kid you not. We took my phone number, added one to it, and started calling those people mercilessly. It wasn't until the cops showed up a few days later that we discovered that the owner of that particular number happened to be on the local city council. Oops. It's been expunged from my record, so I can laugh about it now, but if my mom is reading this, she'll be happy to confirm that I'm still grounded. Anyway, I'm taking that whole scene as shout-out, and there weren't even any Rolling Stones puns in it.

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