The Street
Closet Cases

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Closet Cases

So I'd just like to give a big un-shout-out to AT&MotherfuckingT Broadband cable in Oakland, California for being jacked during my entire trip to the Bay Area for Thanksgiving, making me unable to watch The $treet without thinking I was trying to see the naked people through the squiggles on The Spice Channel. Fuck you very much also for therefore making me miss all the football games and instead watch Carson Daly interviewing Paul McCartney (who now looks like Angela Lansbury) since MTV was about all that was coming in clear. You $uck.

Previously on The $treet: TES and Eyebrows meet at the bar and TES does That Thing He Does to her in an alley. Goldberg informs TES that, shocker: he's been snookered by the crafty Eyebrows. Nicky NotKatt crushes Donna's dreams when he tells her that Giancarlo would never let her uneducated ass become a trader. Xena. Threesome. Goldberg. Chow Mein take. Sinéad-looking extra. Nope. "How 'bout him," says Xena. "How 'bout you take me to Rugrats in Paris," says my cat, pissed that I left her alone for the last five days. "Sorry, Olive. Already saw it."

Bar. The boys drink. Goldberg makes out with Xena, who's wearing a chemo-headband. Rickman: "All right, Allison, let's just get down to it, okay? Why this guy?" TES pipes in. Man, I played drunk better in my fourth-grade production of Twelfth Night. She says that while she does like Goldberg's philosopher side, "what [she] mostly [enjoys] is the incredibly hot sex." Goldberg coughs as she continues on about how great he is in bed. He gets up. The high hair doesn't move a millimeter. She goes to get the boys some more beer. Rickman watches her skank away. "Okay, where do I get one of those?" TES asks Goldberg what he does that's so great in bed. TES needs some help, obviously. Someone else says that Goldberg should be home "drilling and drilling right now." He doth protest, saying that there's more to their relationship than sex. Rickman: "Dude. She's a Superfreak. I mean, there's no reason to play it down. I know tons of Wall Street guys that marry ex-hookers." He says that she's a part-time stripper, not an ex-hooker, and that this may really "be something" so they should chill with the cleverly delivered but predictably written misogynist Fox dialogue. And as he says that they should not focus on her stripper status, we're hit with the Big Joke: when she returns, Goldberg tells her to keep the change...and she stuffs it in her bra! Oh, that's right. She does work at the kind of titty bar where they wear tops. Which, by the way, seems sort of like going to an amusement park without roller coasters. Oh yeah, they have that. It's called Sea World. Credit sequence. By the way, the actor who plays Rickman's name is Rick Hoffman, and if it wasn't for him, I would have jumped out the window three weeks ago. He rocks Wednesday night like no one since Dick Van Patten.

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The Street

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