The Street
High Yield Bonds

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High Yield Bonds

Rickman, dressed in a suit and carrying champagne and flowers, knocks on a door. It opens to reveal Patty, dressed in black lingerie and smiling. She smiles a bit like Benny the clerk from L.A. Law, except she's not male or retarded -- and she didn't play Dr. Giggles either. Commercial.

So the Bee Gees are playing as Petty brings fruit and cheese out onto her gorgeous balcony with a killer New York view. (I meant "Patty." But it would have been funny if all of a sudden Tom Petty busted into a scene. Okay, yes, I'm trying to entertain myself here...someone has to do it.) They toast, and she keeps smiling, and Rickman tries to make chit chat, asking whether she knows why he's there (she does) and how her husband is (he was finally able to "pass some gas.") Man, Rickman is funny. I know, I'll stop it with the praise, but he's making me laugh. Damn him. Finally Rickman downs his drink and attacks her. He pulls away and says, "Damn. You're a really good kisser." She jumps on him.

Restaurant. The Rocke-who and Dan Hedaya have dinner. Apropos of nothing, they are talking about women's golf. Fuck trying to find a logical inroad for a subject; let's just start the scene with them talking about something strange that will soon get us to our real topic. Segue is not just a road in Finland. So Dan Hedaya is saying that there are no really good women golfers, and The Rocke-who disagrees. Dan Hedaya starts kinda shaking and twitching...okay, more than usual, and says that women can't golf because of physics: "Their bazongas. Get in the way. Interfere with the swing." He starts really skeezing out, saying that The Rocke-who has wonderful breasts and that that's why he's there: "Are they real? You don't see that very much anymore," he says. The Rocke-who asks what century he's from and he responds that he's from a previous one when "women were women and boobs were boobs. What can I tell you. I'm a boob man." He's lost two wives already and just settled a huge sexual harassment suit against him by another VP. I call my lawyer to bring a sexual harassment lawsuit against Fox, but he tells me it probably wouldn't fly. So The $treet pushes this farther and farther, Dan Hedaya saying that it's a fetish and that he was a "bottle baby." Man, Hedaya will do anything, huh? Oh, yes he will: "You have an unbelievable set of grapefruits. You wouldn't possibly let me squeeze them a little bit?" The Rocke-who takes us out of that very strange scene, looking like she'd rather be back in Requiem For A Dream playing a crack whore than here. I don't blame her.

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The Street

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