Surreal Life
A Psychic, A Drunk, And A Hairy Monster

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Return Of The One-Eyed Monster

In the kitchen, the talk surrounds the upcoming séance. Traci is preparing Ron's hair for the séance by braiding it in cornrows and sticking aluminum foil in it. He looks like a fat white Jewish Coolio. Tammy Faye's stomping on the treadmill when Trishelle stumbles in. Trishelle doesn't want to participate in the séance, and Tammy Faye tells her not to. We see the séance room which looks like the Black Lodge from Twin Peaks minus the backwards-talking midgets. Ice is so impressed with the room that he goes to get Trishelle and drags her into the room. With nary a whimper of protest, Trishelle hops up to join the Ice Man and the rest of the wacky group in the séance room, leaving Tammy Faye to pray by her own damned self. Tammy Faye's curiosity finally gets the better of her, and she goes to check out the room. She takes one look and goes scampering away like a bunny rabbit running from a wolf. Once inside the séance room, Cheri burns some sage and tells the cast members to bring the burnt sage into their hearts. They all start grabbing wads of thick smoke in the air and shoving it in their nostrils and looking like major idiots in the process. Cheri tells Trishelle that her dad is sick. Man. This Cheri chick must hate Trishelle. She keeps doing everything she can in order to freak her out. Cheri tells Traci that she's going to have a baby, which makes Traci beam like the teacher's pet while Trishelle hugs her knees and rocks back and forth. Cheri tells Erik that he has to be careful of his bad back, and that he'll adopt a baby boy in 2004. Erik's shocked, because it's true. She tells Ice that he's a good dad and that his wife's pregnant. He smirks. She tells Ron that he's full of love and wants desperately to be loved. He pretends to fall asleep and starts snoring. Traci thinks Ron's new hairstyle left him unfocused. Shiny things, like aluminum foil barrettes, tend to do that to some people.

We can all rest peacefully tonight: Trishelle finally gets hold of ex-boyfriend John on the phone. He tells her that he's fine -- he was just a bit constipated and out of crack when he called her earlier -- and suggests that she stay away from psychics. Trishelle decides to celebrate the life of her ex-boyfriend by getting obnoxiously hammered. She and Traci begin guzzling as much alcohol as they can possibly stomach. Apparently Traci is a lightweight, because we don't see much of her after she skips down a hallway. However, Trishelle is an old-school alkie and she decides that it's time for a rousing game of "Tell All Your Housemates They're Fucking Assholes." She informs Ice that he's a dick. Over and over again. She says that he's pissing her off, and he claims he doesn't know why. This goes on for what seems hours until finally Trishelle admits that she's trying to "hook him up," and he's too dumb to figure it out. He still doesn't get it. So she starts rubbing up against him. He gets it then. Boy, does he get it. Trishelle wants to head upstairs and have the Ice cubes slapping her ass. Ice confesses that his life is out in the open, and that everyone in the house knows he's happily married with two daughters, and that he loves his family when he's not screaming at them that they're a bunch of aliens. Trishelle tells Erik and Ice in a drunken slur that she wants to kiss Ice, and that she's totally in love with him. Ice says he's faithful to his wife, but that he'll "help her to her room." Yeah. I've helped a drunk chick or two to her room in my day. Erik may be stupid, but he's not that stupid, and he tells Ice that he and Ron will help Trishelle to her room. Ron tucks Trishelle in like a good Papa with a nine-and-three-quarter-inch penis. Trishelle doesn't stay in the bed long before it's time for her first interview with Timmy The Toilet. Ron's standing outside the bathroom as Trishelle retches and mumbles, "That was special."

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Surreal Life

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