Surreal Life
A Psychic, A Drunk, And A Hairy Monster

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Return Of The One-Eyed Monster

Ron then assigns a role to each participant: Erik will be Prince Fugly; Traci is Princess Snotty Pants; Trishelle is the Wiznitch; Tammy Faye is Mutha Gooz; Ice is the Weirdo Pirate; and Ron will be handling the dual role of the Sofa King ("so fucking"...get it?) and the Hairy Monster. Erik suggests that they take a lunch break and then get started, which sends Ice into the kitchen to fry up a skillet full of sausage that does not look like Jimmy Dean. I'm sure Mr. Dean is plenty steamed. Traci studies her notes while Trishelle tries to sleep off her hangover. Erik's really getting into the idea of putting on a play and showing off the acting chops that first made him famous. Trishelle admits that she normally doesn't get hangovers when she polishes off a case of wine, but that this was the drunkest she had been since high school, which makes her parents beam with pride. We're then treated to a quick MTV-style montage of Trishelle when she's been drunk in front of a camera. I'll be honest: this gal gets a bit homely after she's been drinking. She might want to look into staying sober if she ever wants to settle down with a man.

Everyone's ready to start rehearsal, but Trishelle is still in bed. Erik asks her if she needs a glass of wine to get started. She ignores him. Traci tells Trishelle that everyone's getting agitated that she's still in bed; Trishelle stomps to the bathroom bitching that it's only a bunch of nine-year-olds, and that nobody cares about this stupid play. Ron's nervous; he says he's under a lot of pressure, and that the last time he directed theater, Ice was a sperm cell. I'm with Trishelle on this one: nobody gives a crap how much the play sucks. The kids aren't going to care anyway. They're still pissed that the field trip to the Neverland Ranch got cancelled and that they got shuffled over to the Surreal Mansion to watch Erik Estrada parade around with a dildo strapped on to his head. It's just not the same as petting Michael Jackson's monkey.

The cast begin rehearsals. Ice is reads his lines like a drunk. Ron tells him he's supposed to be a swashbuckling pirate, not a drunk one. Ice defends his acting skills by saying that all pirates are drunks, and all drunks are pirates. This causes Trishelle to hiccup out a weakened "Ahoy, bitch." Ice says that this whole play is "cheesy." I seriously wonder what this ignorant bastard expected when he signed up for this gig -- in-depth discourses on metaphysics? Ron's still bitching that he hates to direct and would rather be a follower than a leader in situations like this. Talk about a drinking game: watch the repeat of this episode and chug every time Ron mentions how he hates directing. You'll make Trishelle look like a teetotaler. Tammy Faye asks Ice for some advice on how to rap, which is like asking Nicole Richie how to keep her tongue out of other people's mouths. Ice does his best to give Tammy Faye a crash course in rapping, but Tammy admits that she's an ad-libber. She's trying to get into the rap, and it's a truly frightening sight. She throws out a "yo, yo, yo" that sounds like a moose with its balls being twisted in a vise grip. She turns to Ice and asks, "Think I could be a good rapper?" and he bursts out laughing. No other validation is necessary.

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Surreal Life

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