Previously on The Surreal Life, we were all treated to a very special episode of Drunken Has-Beens Gone Wild, as Traci got drunk and chased Ron Jeremy all over the house, trying to catch a glimpse of his massive honker while Trishelle got poop-faced and professed her desire to lick tongue with Vanilla Ice, who gracefully turned her down while citing his love for his family back home, and the cameras recording every move for posterity.
The show opens with Traci saying she believes The Surreal Life is a comedy show, and that they should take it on the road. Buckle in, kids -- she's going to be sharing all sorts of revelations like this one throughout the hour. Ron's waking up and asking Traci for a shoulder rub, but she doesn't want to get fistfuls of back hair jammed in her nails. Can't say I blame her. This guy's hairier than George "The Animal" Steele. Ron goes to visit with Tammy Faye in her room. He can't wait to tell his friends outside the Mansion that he actually sat on Tammy Faye's bed, which sends Tammy Faye into a guffaw that results in a small coughing fit. Ron assures her that he knows mouth-to-mouth, and starts to demonstrate it on her. He then asks her for a kiss on the cheek, and when she goes to give him one, he whips his head around and kisses her on the mouth, which makes her giggle. If only she knew where all that mouth had been. That thing's dirtier than the men's-room floor at Grand Central Station. He then goes downstairs and gets on the phone inviting friends to a barbecue/pool party. He promises that there will be "hot girls" at the party. Sadly, in my partying days, when I invited "hot girls" to a party, they'd normally show up with dates. Ron's "hot girls" are porn stars. Therein lies the difference between myself and Ron Jeremy. Well...that and the whole penis thing. The Surreal Times shows up on the doorstep with the headline "Author! Author!" Erik goes to get the guys, to sit at the breakfast table and read the paper with everyone else. Ice tells Ron to get off the phone and calls him "Hasselhoff" as a putdown. How sad must it be to have Vanilla Ice using your name as a putdown?
The cast gathers around the table and finds out that Tammy Faye's going to be holding a signing for her new book I Will Survive and You Can Too at a local bookstore, and everyone is going along to support her. Except for Ron who can't go because (a) he's getting ready for a porno pool party, and (b) he's not too keen on attending Christian book signings and being crucified for having been born with a stupefying willie. Trishelle says that there will be no naked people in the jacuzzi, and no sex in her bed. Tammy Faye says that Ron's an honorable man, and that she feels confident that he won't be turning her bedroom into an anal-sex emporium. Traci says that she doesn't want any kinda porno crap going on in the house...unless she's invited to participate. Why do I get the feeling her private parts are bumpier than a fifteen-year-old chocolate addict's face? Ron says his porno pals must be nice to his roommates, or else he'll whip them with something long and hard.