Surreal Life

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Uncle Bob: C | 550 USERS:
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Ice and Erik fire up the grill and throw some hamburgers and hot dogs on the fire. Traci's upstairs with Ron asking him how they can eat animals. She asks him, "What's the difference between you eating a piglet and me eating your daughter?" which is just about the dumbest thing the woman has said yet. She decides to take her question to Ice and Erik, and ventures outside. Traci asks them if they know how turkeys are killed; she explains that their necks are wrung until they're broken. Ice asks what she's going to eat if she doesn't eat meat. Erik says she eats diamonds and poor banker saps. She asks Ice how he'd like it if she ate his daughter. This pisses Ice off, because you just don't threaten to eat his children. Not even in jest, apparently. He tells her to shut up, and never to say such a thing to a parent. Ice tries to explain the food chain and carnivores to Traci, and how that's why the mammals with sharp teeth eat the animals without sharp teeth. Traci wants to know why cows don't eat humans. Ice says that when she's been drinking, she stops making sense. Hell, when she's breathing she's not making sense. She wants to go get the parrot out of the house and kill it and eat it because, in her eyes, the parrot would turn into chicken once it hits the grill. Ice asks her why doesn't she just eat a lightbulb, and then tries to explain that a parrot does not turn into a chicken when it's been cooked. Traci spills her wine and then breaks the glass as she tries to make valid points, to no avail. Erik calls her out on the fact that she's constantly wearing leather, suede, and fur, and that she needs to get her facts straight. She tells them she's going to go eat Ron's turtle and the house parrot and later confesses that some people just don't get her and make jokes about her. Sorry, sweetie. Not just "some people." Try the whole f'n world. She goes back upstairs while Erik theorizes that she's only a vegetarian because it's trendy and hip with the "in" crowd. Erik says he'd eat the tail end of a Northbound cow if it were the last thing to eat on earth, which causes Ice to giggle hysterically.

It's 3:18 AM, and the guys are in the kitchen still eating. On the wall, Andy Dick has written "Ronny, thanks for the blow job." Erik is trying to teach the guys how to speak Spanish properly. Rick James finally shows up, about six hours too late. He's got a purse with him, so I'm guessing he's there to deliver the weed. Ron says that the other day, when he mentioned to Ice that he knew Rick James, Ice began trembling and saying he'd die to meet Rick James. Rick's really put on the pounds lately. Apparently when he sang "Give It To Me, Baby," he was talking about cheeseburgers. Ron sneaks him into the house and goes back to the kitchen to get Ice to come see something. Ice rounds the corner and sees Rick James standing there like Redd Foxx with cornrows. Erik remembers Rick from Studio 54 in 1981, and how he'd spend the weekends there "getting crazy." We're then treated to crude animation of Rick and Erik dancing together in 1981.

Surreal Life

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