Surreal Life
Book Signing & A Pool Party

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Back at the Mansion, Ron's still cleaning in preparation for his party, which seems like a pointless effort since, in a few hours, everything's just going to be dripping with syphillis anyway. He hangs a sign up on the birdcage that reads, "Don't feed the bird -- You'll lose a finger." And nothing's more unattractive than a porn star with nine fingers. Ron's bitching that the only living things in the house that could have helped him clean the house were the bird and the turtle, and neither of them was any help. I guess the cameraman and behind-the-scenes staff don't count. Ron was under the impression that he'd have help from his roommates in cleaning the place up, and that there's no way he would have had this party if he knew he'd have to clean the house by himself. Christ on a four-wheeler, he acts like he's never vacuumed in his life. He's handpicked several guests whom he feels confident aren't going to go traipsing around the house trying to find Ice's weed stash. He just can't say the same for people lurking around trying to score some of Tammy Faye's used Depends. Meanwhile, the bird starts eating the sign on his cage after realizing that nobody's going to be feeding him for the next several hours.

Over at the book store, several portraits of Tammy Faye painted by her legions of psychos are unveiled, and she thinks they all look great -- some look even better than herself. There's one painting that depicts Tammy Faye as a Bratz doll, which has to have sent Traci into a rage behind closed doors. Tammy Faye says that while a lot of people wouldn't think of her as being intellectual, her book's doing well. It's all about being under the shadow of God's wings. Apparently, her God has wings like that killer in Jeepers Creepers. Ice is happy and shocked at the same time. While he signed up for the show not exactly being a big fan of Tammy Faye's, he is certainly one now. She thinks that they all thought she'd be forcing religion down their throats the entire length of their stay together, and she shocked them by not doing that. She notes that maybe now they all think she's cool. She then spells "cool" for us so nobody misunderstands her, and thinks she really meant "kewl."

Ron is taking a shower after cleaning the house. He's never thrown a party like this before; normally he has caterers taking care of everything. This is the first party where he did everything himself. After he showers, I swear to you, he puts on enough cologne to choke a horse. He has to smell like a French whore. Speaking of whores (I'm famous for my seamless segues), the first guest to the party shows up and it's Dennis Hof, the proprietor of the Bunny Ranch, the famous whorehouse in Nevada. He's brought two whores with him. And they are not attractive whores, either. You know how sometimes you see a whore and instantly think, "Where's the nearest ATM?" These girls look like they just walked out of a free clinic in South Compton. Ron says he's invited people from all walks of life. He's invited porn stars, porn directors, and porn producers. I guess we can expect some serious discussions about the national budget with a guest list like that. Cletis Mack from Digital Underground shows up, and Ron tells him that Vanilla Ice will be so excited that he's there, because Ice loves rappers. Someone pipes up to say, "That's because he wants to be one," which is probably the funniest line uttered on this entire series so far.

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Surreal Life

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