Surreal Life
Book Signing & A Pool Party

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Andy Dick shows up, which causes the porn stars to get dressed quickly. Ron takes Andy on a tour of the house. At one point, for no reason, Ron smacks Andy's ass, rating a 9.3 on the "Ewww" scale. They stop and look at some of Trishelle's pictures with various guys, and Andy mentions that she's been with all the guys in the photos more than once. He says there's a history between Andy and Trishelle. They're like the Luke and Laura of trashy alcoholic Hollywood phonies. He explains that he used to pursue her while she was on The Real World, and that she stinks of trouble. And cheap wine. And congealed man juice. Trishelle starts introducing Andy to the people at the party, and it's shocking how few of them go running away in horror. Ice asks Trishelle whether she's hooking up with Andy, and she says that she and Andy are just friends. She says this while Andy's kissing her exposed breasts. With friends like that, who needs dumpy whores? Andy touches another woman's naked boobs, which causes Trishelle to shriek, "Andy! No!" Then he starts to spank the woman, telling her to go to a room and that he'll be up in the same room later. Seriously, ladies. If you're lying on a bed with your eyes closed and you open them to find a sweaty, grunting naked Andy Dick on top of you, it's high time you question the decisions you've made in life.

Meanwhile, Tammy Faye is still upstairs, piling pillows by the curtain/door to her room to drown out Trishelle's drunken yelps.

Erik is surveying all the debauchery surrounding him, and tells a woman that all the people who are acting crazy are "kids." The woman he's telling this to is probably the youngest one at the party, but she agrees with him anyway. Probably so that she can bang Ponch and brag about it to her mother.

Ron proposes a toast; he admits that he's enjoyed having his old friends meet his new friends and thanks everyone for coming to the party. Everyone leaves the party except Andy Dick and the housemates. They all gather around the fire pit in the backyard. Traci asks if it's possible to get a suntan from fire. The puzzled looks on everyone's face say enough, but Ron begins to explain that you need ultraviolet rays in order to achieve a suntan, until he realizes that he's talking to Traci and notes that it's useless to explain anything to her that requires a third-grade education. Andy tells Ron that he would make a fine Pocahontas, since his hair's been braided. Andy then tells Ron that he looks like "Pippi Longcocking." I'll bet it's a real blast having a drunken Andy Dick hang around your house, not realizing that the party ended hours before. The Dick Man starts strumming a guitar and singing "Hang Down Your Head Ron Jeremy," with raunchy lyrics. Nobody's really laughing, but it doesn't stop him from continuing.

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Surreal Life

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