The latest edition of The Surreal News shows the headline "Corey's Wedding: The Countdown Continues." He's calling Susie at 1:30 AM. She's not too thrilled with Corey right now. They're getting married in two days, and she's starting to freak out completely. He tells her he doesn't want to talk right now because his voice hurts. How the hell does your voice hurt? Your throat can hurt. Your neck can hurt. But your voice? It's not a question of "if" anymore, but "how many times" was Corey dropped on his head as a child? Susie doesn't appreciate the way she's being treated by Corey. He's been with his precious little fucking castmates all day and she's been waiting by the phone for him to call. He's making the "nyah nyah nyah nyah" face to the camera to insinuate that she's just bitching up a storm. You know, like he could do better than her. Chyeah, right. She knows he's not taking any of this seriously and that he's just goofing off up at the Surreal Mansion. I never thought I'd say this, but I actually feel sorry for the guy. He may be a sledgehammer in the toolbox of life, but the boy is about to marry the gal who puts the "nah" in nag. I hope the producers are happy: they just tricked two of the most dysfunctional dirtbags in L.A. into marrying each other for a cheap ratings stunt. These two are going to make Nicolas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley look like Hume Cronyn and Jessica Tandy.
Meanwhile, upstairs, the girls are all in bed together. Gabby won, so they can share the bed and sleep together. Jerri, trying to look all cute and cuddly, looks alarmingly like Eleanor Roosevelt if Eleanor had taken up burlesque stripping as a second career. She's wearing these horn-rimmed glasses that are all the rage with the nerd set these days, but has her hair up in a bun and is wearing a thick scarf to bed like she's expecting snow or something. Brande's relaying the details of her date from hell and reliving the moment when the scumbag kissed her. Of all the nerve! Who kisses on the first date?! A hummer? Yeah, sure. Hummers are acceptable. But kissing? Hell-oooo? Welcome to 2003, Captain Liplock. Brande says he was too aggressive, and that the kiss was simply inappropriate. Okay. This is a chick who spreads her ass cheeks wide open for a living and she thinks a simple peck on the mouth is inappropriate? Even Corey F'n Feldman isn't so ignorant as to subscribe to such a backwards point of view. Jerri tells Brande that she needs to be careful what she wishes for, while Gabby says she thought Rick was a nice person and that Brande's still trying to hold on to her patterns. I have no idea what that means since I skipped most of my Psych 101 classes in college to smoke opium. Brande admits that most men simply cannot live up to her expectations and she's afraid that she's going to grow old by herself. What a waste of ass that would be, eh boys?