Surreal Life
Brande Needs A Man

Episode Report Card
Uncle Bob: B+ | Grade It Now!
Brande Needs A Man

Meanwhile, upstairs, the girls are all in bed together. Gabby won, so they can share the bed and sleep together. Jerri, trying to look all cute and cuddly, looks alarmingly like Eleanor Roosevelt if Eleanor had taken up burlesque stripping as a second career. She's wearing these horn-rimmed glasses that are all the rage with the nerd set these days, but has her hair up in a bun and is wearing a thick scarf to bed like she's expecting snow or something. Brande's relaying the details of her date from hell and reliving the moment when the scumbag kissed her. Of all the nerve! Who kisses on the first date?! A hummer? Yeah, sure. Hummers are acceptable. But kissing? Hell-oooo? Welcome to 2003, Captain Liplock. Brande says he was too aggressive, and that the kiss was simply inappropriate. Okay. This is a chick who spreads her ass cheeks wide open for a living and she thinks a simple peck on the mouth is inappropriate? Even Corey F'n Feldman isn't so ignorant as to subscribe to such a backwards point of view. Jerri tells Brande that she needs to be careful what she wishes for, while Gabby says she thought Rick was a nice person and that Brande's still trying to hold on to her patterns. I have no idea what that means since I skipped most of my Psych 101 classes in college to smoke opium. Brande admits that most men simply cannot live up to her expectations and she's afraid that she's going to grow old by herself. What a waste of ass that would be, eh boys?

We're taken back to the phone booth, where Susie is still riding Corey's ass. She says she's been waiting for hours for him to call her. At that point, he should have told her he's been taking a dump since 6 PM. If she's the least bit familiar with his bathroom habits, that would have been a perfectly acceptable excuse. Corey tells Susie that she is "so dramatic," which causes me to cover my nearby dog with a combination spray of Diet DrPepper and pure grain alcohol. Susie tells Corey to go play his fucking videogames, and that she's not going to grieve over this shit anymore, and they hang up. I know that the show was shot and they were married last October, but does anybody know the exact date when Corey and Susie's divorce took place?

Next week on The Surreal Life...okay, look. There's no way I can do this thirty-second promo justice. It had to be seen to be appreciated. But here goes: apparently they're all playing in a charity softball game against some Playboy Playmates. The guy who does the voice-overs says, "Softball. Everybody loves softball." You see everyone playing softball. He then says, "Playmates. Everybody loves Playmates." You see a bevy of beauties in Playboy baseball outfits. Then we see footage of the crowd booing while Corey misses a swing, fails to catch a ball, and stands in the middle of the outfield, staring off into space. "Corey Feldman." And then you hear crickets chirping. It was the funniest damned thing I've seen on the show yet. They are merciless when it comes to poking fun at the Feldman. They're soulless bastards after my own heart.

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Surreal Life




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