Surreal Life
Brande Needs A Man

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Brande Needs A Man

Corey's calling Susie. She says "Hello," and rather than return the greeting, Corey says, "We're doing pre-nups...right?" Susie laughs for ten minutes straight before finally calming down and saying, "Oh yeah, Core...we're doing pre-nups, all right." Susie may not have much, but she's got to protect what she's got from this insufferable cretin. Corey's going to call "his lawyer" (a.k.a. his accountant cousin, Lou) and have him draw up some pre-nups. In an interview, Corey says that had Susie questioned the pre-nup process, he might have had a reason to be concerned. Stop it, Feldman -- you're making me choke from laughter over here! He says he'd give her something "out of generosity" like, say, a beat-up Goonies lunchbox with an autographed broken Thermos? Susie feels weird about pre-nups, but Corey insists that this is just a back-up plan and he doesn't want to end up being "snowballed" like he's been in every other relationship he's ever been in. I doubt Corey could scrape up the cash to rent a copy of Clerks, but if he could, he would have never used the term "snowballed" in this situation. Corey says that he's doing this to keep from having to give Susie everything, quickly adding, "which isn't a lot." Thanks for clarifying the financial situation with us, Feldman. I, for one, thought you were loaning Bill Gates lunch money. Corey hangs up the phone, muttering "stress, stress, stress." Tell me about it. Having to get your cousin Lou to put the syringe down long enough to get some pre-nups drawn up and signed in two days...dude, that's enough to constipate a guy.

The rest of the cast members are in the kitchen, where Hammer's prodding Brande for details about her encounter with the Grocery Boy in the street. Jerri pipes up that she was impressed that Brande was so ballsy. Hell-oooo? She's a former Playboy Playmate of the Year, Jer. It's not like being inhibited is one of her strong points. She had the most famous coochie in the world in 2001. Asking a guy if he's gay is a freakin' walk in the park after that. Hammer hears the story and says that he thinks Brande intimidated Grocery Boy with her assertiveness; he says that, had Grocery Boy responded and gone out with Brande, it would have only been for the short term, except he says it like this: "If he had went out with you, he would have given you the big Lebowski and then flew the coop." With that statement, Hammer gets the much-coveted "Duh!" award for this episode, soundly defeating the former champ, Corey. Hammer reminds Brande that that's how men are -- they just want one thing, and that's sex. Thanks, Hammer. Thanks a heap. There go my chances of ever tricking a Playboy Playmate into a three-minute horizontal bop. Brande seems to think that her problem with finding a good man revolves around the fact that she smiles too much and that she's too forward. She neglects to mention that most "good men" aren't all that fond of taking their women to the company Christmas party and having all his co-workers prattle on and on about the size of her areolas.

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Surreal Life

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