Surreal Life
Brande Needs A Man

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Uncle Bob: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Brande Needs A Man

The morning Surreal News crashes through the front door's glass window, scaring the shit out of everyone and prompting Jerri to go fetch it. The headline reads, "Brande Needs A Man." The challenge for today finds everyone but Brande getting loaded up into the Surreal Van, taken to a target-rich location, and being forced to find a date for Brande. The one who finds the guy who best meets Brande's emotional and sexual needs gets the master bedroom for the night. Vince is really psyched about this, because Corey's been bloated up with flatulence lately and has been scorching his sheets every night with noxious gases, so a night away from him is like a night in paradise. They all pile into the van, are handed cell phones, and start calling all their available male friends to see if they'd like to have a blind date with a Playboy Playmate. Amazingly, they're struggling to find anyone who will agree to do it. Vince thinks that Brande needs someone who's not in the entertainment business, like a stockbroker or a banker. Gabby says she needs a grounded businessman. Corey's picking his nose and rubbing his mucus on the van windows, clapping loudly, and making unintelligible grunting sounds each time he successfully completes another smudge.

Brande calls her mom to tell her what's going on. Mom suggests that whoever they find could end up being the father of her grandkids. Damn, Mom. Way to jump the gun and finish the race before Brande ties her shoes. Meanwhile, the six Lifers reach their destination and split up into three obvious teams -- Hammer and Manny, Jerri and Gabby, and Corey and Vince. You can tell that Vince is sick and tired of being stuck with Corey night and day. He gets that pained look on his face like he's trying to think. Jerri says that it's hard to meet men in this day and age, because they're all either married or gay. Hey Jerri, over here! What's wrong with Uncle Bob? I seem to have all the right stu....oh. Yeah. I'm married. Dammit. I keep forgetting that part. Vince and Corey are standing outside by some steps. Vince laughs and says that he never thought he'd find himself outside an office building, trolling for strange dick. Corey laughs and says he did it through most of the '90s to score money for heroin, so it's no big deal to him. In the meantime, Brande's working out back at the mansion and complaining that she has a hard time finding good guys who may have already seen her in Playboy to go out with her. She says that no man ever says, "I'm going out with a good girl"; they all say, "I'm going out with a Playboy Playmate!" Gee, whose fault is that, Princess Gloomytits?

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Surreal Life

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