Once again, The Surreal Life contains adult sexual material and strong language. Gosh. Tammy Faye's fans must be so proud of her. For those of you who missed last week's season premiere, we get the always helpful "previously" recap. All the stars showed up at the house; Ron talked about his penis at length (pun intended); Traci pissed everyone off; and Vanilla Ice worked hard to leave his former image behind by screaming about it constantly. Here's a hint, Ice Ice Baby: if you want to move away from your former image, quit reminding everybody that you used to be Vanilla Ice every five minutes. Here's another hint: you're not on this show because of your storied hardcore rapper career.
The episode opens with Tammy Faye whistling at the pet bird who's seemingly annoyed at Tammy Faye's whistling abilities. I'm no expert at reading parakeets' expressions, but I get the feeling that if the little guy could find a way to get out of his cage, he'd be attached to Tammy Faye's face, pecking her eyes out like a scene from The Birds. We see Ron sleeping naked in his bed and snoring. Ronnie, I beg of you, do a Google for "sleep apnea." I say this as a friend who wants to see you making porn movies 'til you're old and grey with your colostomy bag strapped to your hip as you bang yet another confused teenaged runaway. You've got to get that snoring looked at, buddy. Erik's wandering around in an early-morning daze, saying he misses his home and his family and is thinking about having the Surreal Van drive past Denny's on Mulholland Drive and letting him check the dumpster to make sure everyone's all right. Ron's snoring finally wakes him up; he tells us that he shares a bathroom and shower with Trishelle and Traci, and that even though they haven't all showered together yet, he's hoping for a California drought that will force them to do so. I think he's really just hoping he can get one of them to shave his ass. Pixellated or not, that thing's starting to get unmanageable. It's time Ronnie invested in a bottle of Head & Shoulders & Ass.
Everyone comes downstairs. Vanilla Ice is making himself eggs and bacon, but he can't find any salt. As we quickly learn, Ice needs his salt. All right stop. Collaborate and listen. Ice can't find any salt in the kitchen. So what does the master of mangled careers do? Why, he goes to the pantry that is off-limits to the cast and pries it open with a butter knife to find himself some salt. Everyone tries to talk him out of it, but this is Vanilla Ice, baby! He doesn't listen to anyone! He's nobody's bitch when it comes to salt, fool! Erik chuckles about the incident in a confessional, admitting that his nickname for Ice is "Johnny Rocket," because he tends to explode from time to time. Ice gets in to the pantry, finds some salt, and acts like he just discovered the cure for cancer. Trishelle says that Ice has admitted to having taken anger-management classes in the past, and that she thinks he needs to go back and get his money refunded because he's clearly still one angry simian. Erik says he doesn't think any of them has seen what kind of temper the Iceman has just yet, and that he bets Ice can indeed get a little peeved when things begin to get out of his control. I think if I were Erik, I would, as a forethought, be turning the house upside down to try to find some pepper. Just in case.