Surreal Life
New Friends

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Uncle Bob: D+ | Grade It Now!
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New Friends

It's commercial time and we're treated to a commercial for the new film A Guy Thing. Looks like a decent flick, but they probably should have changed the name to Generic PG-13 Flick That Even Freddie Prinze Jr. Deemed Complete And Utter Shit.

We're back from commercials, where we find out that the bumpers for the segments are going to be a wacky graphic of a tabloid with all kinds of nutty things to say about the cast members. Things like "Corey Feldman -- Here To Resurrect His Career!" and "Who's Ready To Strangle Webster?" Brande's unpacking her vast array of luggage, and reveals that the whole reason she agreed to do this show is because she heard that Hammer was going to be in the house. Well...that and the fact that it beats autographing Playboys for fat, unkempt forty-year-old horndogs at car shows in Peoria. Brande babbles on and on that when she was a kid, she wanted to dance just like Hammer and rap just like Hammer and lose everything she ever owned in the blink of an eye just like Hammer. Corey speaks up and tells the guys that if anyone gets lonely, he packed plenty of porn, and then produces three magazines with titles so vulgar that they had to be pixilated. Way to save that career, Corey. Steven Spielberg just frantically grabbed his cell phone to call your agent, you pathetic piece of trash. Corey points out that he's glad nobody brought an attitude with them into the house. Gabby points out that they're no longer considered hot property in Hollywood, and that none of them can afford to toss attitudes around. No wait. That was me who thought that. My bad.

Talk of shattered egos turns to talk of getting some grub. Vince's and Webster's eyes light up as they both dance with glee. The group tries to decide what they want to prepare for dinner, and settle on turkey tacos which, I must admit, I've never eaten, but it sounds about as appetizing as dill-flavored scabs. Gabby is walking around, and it's painfully obvious that she walks funny. She either has raw eggs in her panties that she's trying not to break or Vince threw her a quickie while the cameras were off. Either way, she's walking like John Wayne with a bad case of bleeding hemorrhoids. So they all pile into a van, and we find out that Corey's ex-wife used to be on 90210, after Gabby had already left the show. Vanessa Marcil was the gal's name. Vince grins and says that he dated Vanessa after she dumped Corey for being a hopeless and pathetic junkie. I'm pretty sure Vince's use of the word "dated" could easily be translated into "humped like a happy puppy." Corey says something along the lines that she wasn't a good person, while Vince grins and says she was "cool." Vince is obviously dredging up what's left of his long-term memory to recall glimpses of Vanessa smiling at him with locks of his pubic hair stuck in her teeth.

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Surreal Life

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